Fifty Shades Of Grey (2015)

Matt (00:00:20):

Oh hello, this is 1-Week Rental: A Movie Podcast. We spent the last week with 50 shades of gray and now we’re going to tell you all about it. I’m Matt Stokes.

Laci (00:00:29):

I’m Laci Roth.

Matt (00:00:30):

I’m a film snob trying not to be annoying.

Laci (00:00:33):

I am a film nube. That’s a lie. I’m get smarter every day.

Matt (00:00:39):

One week. One week we spend a week. We do. As we did with 50 Shades of Gray, researching it the people who made it the story. We want to tell you a story.

Laci (00:00:48):

A story within a story.

Matt (00:00:50):

Yes, yes, exactly. And then tell you about the movie itself, which we watched.

Laci (00:00:55):

Boy, did I.

Matt (00:00:56):

Yeah, we’re going to tell you all about it.

Laci (00:00:58):

I’m moist. I got to tell you. But that’s only because I spilled my drink in my lap, but the movie was fine.

Matt (00:01:04):

The movie was fine.

Laci (00:01:05):

It was fine.

Matt (00:01:06):

Verdict, it was fine. I’m moist, but not because of the movie. Right. So in summation, you can follow us on social media, leave a comment and I think we nailed it. I think we nailed it.

Laci (00:01:15):

All done?

Matt (00:01:15):

Yeah, all done. Yeah, 50 shades of gray. Listen, I know that I’m a big fan of sex, of kinky, nasty sex. Love it. Geez.

Laci (00:01:25):

Disgusting guys.

Matt (00:01:26):

That being said, I know this movie’s not for me, whatever that means, even though all movies are for all people. So take what I say with the grain of salt. If I dislike this movie, tell me in the comments how wrong I am. I welcome it. I welcome your negative feedback.

Laci (00:01:43):

I didn’t dislike it. I dislike myself for not disliking it and I think that’s fair enough.

Matt (00:01:48):

Yeah. And I’d say for the first half, I was really enjoying this thing. But I guess we should also tell people this podcast, if you’re unfamiliar with our work, we’re big Twilight fans. We’re a pro Twilight podcast. Check out our episode from 2025 on the first Twilight film.

Laci (00:02:03):

And understand we approach Twilight with open eyes. We understand the problematic Mormon fucking propaganda that it is and yet we love it.

Matt (00:02:13):

Yeah, all that stuff. I disagree with it, but I think it’s interesting. It’s

Laci (00:02:17):

Very interesting. And the way that they twist themselves around to depict their yearning is just like, yeah, come on Mormons.

Matt (00:02:24):

Tell

Laci (00:02:24):

Me about your premiered sex. Give it to me. I

Matt (00:02:26):

Think what’s going on in 50 Shades of Gray is also very interesting. I do

Laci (00:02:29):

Too.

Matt (00:02:30):

What do we always say about billionaires? They are vampires. The capital class is a vampire that’s just sucking the blood out of the earth. So make it literal in this picture, in this book to turn a vampire into a billionaire. But it raises all kinds of other questions that we’re going to explore and tackle. First, we’re going to do the history of Fifty Shades Of Grey go over E.L. James and her fanfic of Twilight and then how that turned into a major book series and major movie series and sort of the fan reaction and the industry that arose reacting to the books. What does it say about our culture that these books are so popular? Are they good for women, bad for women, good for BDSM, bad for BDSM? Who’s to say?

Laci (00:03:12):

Okay. That’s some lofty goals you got over there. I’m going to barely touch any of that, but let’s see how it goes.

Matt (00:03:17):

Yeah, we’ll see. And then we’ll talk about the movie itself. Two portions to every episode. If you’re listening, look in the episode description. If you want to skip past the history segment, if you’re watching on YouTube to hear our movie discussion, you got to subscribe to the podcast. Subscribe, subscribe. Go ahead and leave a comment. Just say like, “I like this podcast,” or, “I like this movie,” or, “Not my Christian.” Whatever.

Laci (00:03:36):

From time to time, we do theme months and so I don’t know if we made it clear or not, but it’s April and it’s spring and things are fucking. And so it is sex month people.

Matt (00:03:47):

You can’t go outside with seeing some animals fucking, and I’m just like, “This

Laci (00:03:50):

Male sex outside is very erotic. So I would like you all to take note of my cleavage and to please understand that as the month goes on, the cleavage will become more obscene. And because I started kind of mid, I dare say we might do the first on camera vaginal cleavage this side of the Canadian border.

Matt (00:04:13):

What?

Laci (00:04:13):

Yeah, just some top. Just some badge cleav. I was thinking.

Matt (00:04:17):

We’re innovating in the space. I didn’t even know you could do that, but now that I hear it, I’m like, of course.

Laci (00:04:22):

We were going to

Matt (00:04:22):

Do

Laci (00:04:23):

Some new camera work this year. That was one of our goals. I was like, pussy cam. Let’s go the Fox route.

Matt (00:04:29):

Okay. I really like this. Okay. This is, again, if you’re listening- I’m his wife. … on the RSSG.

Laci (00:04:35):

I am his wife.

Matt (00:04:36):

Even more reason to subscribe on YouTube. Let’s get into the history of 50 Shades of Gray now if you are so ready, Laci.

Laci (00:04:43):

I’m so ready. El James. El

Matt (00:05:12):

James. All

Laci (00:05:12):

Right.

Matt (00:05:13):

Erica Mitchell.

Laci (00:05:14):

Oh, great. Anyway, she famously made some … She was so enthralled, so into the first two books of Twilight that she jumped right in and just started writing some fanfic on her phone on the train one day and that-

Matt (00:05:28):

Which country

Laci (00:05:29):

Is she from? I mean, her publisher is in Australia, so I’ll just guess that this where she

Matt (00:05:33):

Is. Now she’s from Britain.

Laci (00:05:34):

That’s what I said. All right, a place where she published it is fanfick.net and her screen name was Snow Queens Ice Dragon. So Game of Thrones Fran. So she’s into that kinky sex you already know. The original thing … So because it was true, the way FanFic goes is that these are the same characters but put in a different setting. So they would’ve been called Bella and Edward had all the same names and stuff in what was first known as Masters of the Universe. And that was 50 Shades Gray, but by its original name.

Matt (00:06:07):

Sorry, I have to note this. It’s actually Master of the Universe because Masters of the Universe is the he man universe of IP and Master of the Universe is this.

Laci (00:06:18):

Thank you for your note. You’re

Matt (00:06:19):

Welcome.

Laci (00:06:20):

All right.

Matt (00:06:21):

Can I ask you something?

Laci (00:06:21):

Well, yeah.

Matt (00:06:23):

Just fan fiction in general. Have you ever consumed or written any fan fiction?

Laci (00:06:28):

Okay. I’m dyslexic. Writing hurts. Do you see these notes I made? My hand’s going to hurt for a month. I can’t write. I can’t even read what I wrote. So typing, writing, all of that is if I’ve got to be passionate about what I’m doing to do it. So that answer would be no. But would I like it read aloud to me? Fuck yes. Would I like to answer back with my own? Yes. If I were a different brained person with the ability to type, type, type, and read, read, read, I would be into this. Really? If it were the right kind of property, because it takes the thing that it just finds it’s like, oh yes, no, that’s exactly the itch I had. I’m watching Twilight and it’s doing it for me, but maybe it’s just like there’s too big of a lull afterward or now I know the series is over.

Laci (00:07:12):

I need something. Hell yeah.

Matt (00:07:14):

I guess why?

Laci (00:07:18):

Well, because to you, I think it’s less real, but all of it’s just characters and the characters do anything. It doesn’t have to be … Just like with this fake sequel to Sideways that’s coming up, the actual writer didn’t have to have anything to do with that for these characters to live on. And if you love the world and you like the characters and another decent writer comes along or at least an interesting perspective, why the fuck not? Why are you such a boring, boring man?

Matt (00:07:43):

When I was in eighth grade, I did write a fan fiction for Anamorphs before even knowing what fanfic was.

Laci (00:07:49):

You called it a spec script.

Matt (00:07:50):

Yeah, this is my spec book and it was the most boring version you could do is Animorphs, The Next Generation. Oh wow. I made some new animorphs. It’s just that obviously this is a huge world. It’s just that instinct of I would like to live more in this world via crowdsourced creations that truly … I just don’t understand what’s appealing about that.

Laci (00:08:16):

Well, I think it’s kind of obvious so maybe this is just one of those things where- Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. … is you’re not going to get it. But also, I mean, it’s pretty crucial that she came in on book too, right? Because we don’t get into any of the fornication yet. I mean, we still have to sit through fucking book three, which is the hardest one to listen to. Or no, that’s two. That’s two. The sad one for Twilight.

Matt (00:08:35):

The Sad One is New Moon, book two. No,

Laci (00:08:36):

That doesn’t help me when you say the fucking names of

Matt (00:08:38):

That. I’m just trying to get people to know that I know the names.

Laci (00:08:41):

Well, now they know. Anyway, so she’s going through all the hard stuff and she knows that she is titilated as hell by these Twilight books. She finds them very erotic. I did too.That’s the thing about them. It’s all these things and you’re like, “Why are my genitals tingling?” And you’re like, “They’re not even doing it. ” If you’re any kind of a level skilled writer or have the inkling to do it and you take out your phone and all of a sudden now you can make Bella and Edward fuck.

Matt (00:09:11):

The addendum I would put, but the addendum I would put on Fanfic, if it is truly just because I want to masturbate, I understand that. That’s not. If it’s I want to become aroused, I get that.

Laci (00:09:22):

This fanfic is very popular and there’s a buzz around it and people want her to actually publish it. So they do what they call in fanfic language, scrubbing the serial numbers off or filing the serial numbers off, like what you do with a gun, which means to take all references of Twilight out of it, change the character name, rename everything that had any reference to Twilight and make it its own thing. And something called the Writer’s Coffee Shop Publishing in Australia is like a fan funded publishing independent place that published all of, I don’t know if it was all, but it was the first two. I know that.

Laci (00:10:00):

And I mean, it always had critics and it was always looked at in like this, “Oh, this is silly, but … ” Because I mean, it completely enthralled people and captivated them. In 2016 lies, lies, lies. In 2013, Forbes named E.L. James, the highest paid author in the world and she made 95 million that year. And then by 2016, she was only the eighth highest, but in total she made like $151 million off of books and movies. Yes, the most popular audience is specifically married women in their thirties, and I’m sure that means straight women mostly, though I know a lot of lesbians that love these books,

Matt (00:10:42):

But- She was in her late thirties when she wrote them.

Laci (00:10:44):

So her perspective works, right? It is like a slightly mature Bella that this Anastasia is. She’s just a little bit past and a little bit less guilty to be running around naked fucking

Matt (00:10:59):

About- This is right from the start. I’m like, “This is wrong. She’s too young. This character getting into this BDSM relationship should not be a child. Should not

Laci (00:11:08):

Be 20- 100%.

Matt (00:11:08):

21 years old. This makes no dramatic sense.

Laci (00:11:11):

And honestly, people always talk about age gaps and how age gaps are getting less and less tolerated and the gaps are smaller and smaller as to what’s acceptable. And that’s because it all comes down to power. And I would like to say that I don’t think anyone of a certain status or certain wealth should be able to marry somebody very far out of that category of people. I mean, you can. I get that that’s the dream. That’s a sugar daddy. That’s how people get out of poverty or whatever. Fine, but there is always going to be a power imbalance. So it just doesn’t make sense for there to be like, oh, that’s a power imbalance of age, so ew, gross. I don’t like to look at that. But thinking about a young girl taken out of the poverty of lower middle class and brought into the billion dollars club, that’s a dream.

Laci (00:12:01):

No, it’s going to suffer the same inequalities and abuses that other power and balanced relationships have.

Matt (00:12:08):

Oh yeah, it’s an absolute nightmare. And I’m not even talking about what’s okay and not okay to depict an art. I’m saying for pure drama, a 22 year old going through this is not that interesting because you’re not even a person yet.

Laci (00:12:22):

When I found out she’s a virgin,

Matt (00:12:24):

That’s what I shot

Laci (00:12:25):

At. Yeah, I said this exact thing. I wrote it in my notes. Come on.

Matt (00:12:29):

Because you could so easily see the version of the story where this heterosexual woman just cannot find any men in her Asian cohort who can satisfy her sexually. And so she has to look elsewhere.

Laci (00:12:42):

Why does that have … It feeds the mannosphere so much. Where have you been? Not fucking not doing much. She seems aloof, man.

Matt (00:12:53):

So do you have any insight into people who like BDSM, how they react to this? Yes. Okay. Because when I hear that, I’m like, if you like BDSM, that’s because you like having sex a lot. And this movie’s like, I’ve never … Garsh, what’s that? I don’t even know. And I don’t think I like it. You

Laci (00:13:09):

Don’t even have to sex a lot to BSM. It helps you work out through things by either exploring your submissive or dominant side or allowing it to going into a place where you were submissive when you didn’t want to be and then choosing it. So a lot of abuse survivors are … It’s not exclusive, but for him to be abused himself and then for that to be implied that that’s why he’s like this, it’s like, okay, you’re getting at something that’s real, but being the most cynical and the most shitty about it is possible and still getting it wrong. There are plenty of abused people who like all kinds of sex, including BDSM, and it can be very empowering. But anyway, basically what they said was he’s like 27 or 28 or something, like really young. And aside from the fact of like, what the fuck does this company do?

Laci (00:14:06):

I don’t even understand what he … Why is he rich? He wouldn’t be old enough to even have gotten ingratiated into the community. It takes years of being in the scene and then even more specific, the BDSM and then figuring out who likes to be a submissive, who likes to be a Dom. All of these things, back when this was made, chat rooms would have been a thing, but it wouldn’t have been as easy as it is now for sure. He’d have to physically be going to these places and people would have to trust him. It takes trust. It takes relationship building. There’s so much communication. It’s not about a fucking contract. It’s about talking through all of it. So even his playroom to the real community doesn’t make sense. He wouldn’t have access to all these things. He wouldn’t have known where to buy them.

Laci (00:14:55):

He wouldn’t know what to do with them. Even if he’s had 15 relationships with women who were willing to do this stuff, if he picked them the way he picked her, which is like, “I want to show you, ” he wouldn’t get to use half the shit. It’s just none of it understands the community. It’s what this world looks like to someone who’s never seen it. It’s a fantasy.

Matt (00:15:16):

Right.

Laci (00:15:16):

It

Matt (00:15:17):

Is a fantasy and-

Laci (00:15:19):

And he’s only using the easy stuff. The hardest thing he does is spank her with a belt. Well, we’ve all been through that. I mean, a lot of has

Matt (00:15:26):

Have- Based on complaints I’ve seen from people who are fans of the book, it’s not even PDSM. It’s not. It’s just like, I’m tickling you. I’m blindfolding you.

Laci (00:15:36):

It’s like he’s scaring her. And I respect the fact that she’s like, “No, show me the worst. Show me the worst this will ever be because I don’t know what you mean by you’re going to … Are you going to vaginally fist me because I drink two martinis? I want to know what the fuck it is you mean. And does yellow actually make you slow down and does red make you stop? Let’s see.” But she wouldn’t sign the contract and she’s never … There’s nothing about her that suggests she wants this. So it’s abusive from the very beginning.

Matt (00:16:06):

That’s the thing. There needs to be some work put into, “I can see why she’s into this. “

Laci (00:16:12):

Right. And just so you know, from the BDSM community’s perspective, this is abuse right out the gate. They even say there’s tons of red flags. This is the kind of person people in this community would run from, wouldn’t even allow in because he would have too many psychopathic indicators and so this is the way a serial killer acts, not someone into BDSM for the way that the community has evolved it in for this type of thing and its place in king culture, it is not that.

Matt (00:16:44):

And if you want to tell a story about that, tell a story about that. That’s interesting. That is interesting.Make it about that. Don’t make it so at the end of the movie, you’re like, “Dang it, I wish those kids would work it out.

Laci (00:16:54):

” Right. Or give some indication that he’s a pariah at least, or not even allowed in the community or doesn’t even dab. They said the most accurate thing, two things that happened in the movie is they show him put on a condom, they’re very into safe sex and they show them talking about the pill. That is very straightforwardly two rules in this community because they’re responsible and respectful.

Matt (00:17:20):

Yeah. And maybe it seems like we’re being wildly negative. I think both of us do have praise for parts of this movie. I think that there’s a lot of stuff that happens to the movie where I think like, oh, that’s kind of … Honestly, them just talking and they’re doing their contract negotiations, I thought this is kind of cool. This is the thing you got to do with your sexual partners. And you know what? Maybe if it were just a contract we could negotiate, things would be easier and more clear and we’d all be having better sex, which is what I want for everybody, especially you listening to this.

Laci (00:17:50):

But there is the implication that after I keep wanting to call her Bella, after Anna signs the contract, she loses all leverage and that’s what she’s worried about. So that’s what gives this movie steam in the beginning is like she can play with him. She can fuck around with him. She still has power and she knows she’s about to lose that power. He expressly is asking for all power. That’s not hot. So the only tension that can be is the same as Bella’s, which is where she is either being told she can’t be a vampire or when she’s considering that, is this the life she wants or not? That’s the only power Bella has. So this is the only power Anna has is pre-contract, pre-bite.

Matt (00:18:30):

Yeah. More than anything else, of all these problematic things we’re raising, this story’s just very inert. There’s nowhere for it to go. She’s just like, “I want you to open up to me. I want you to sign the contract.” It’s like, okay, I see now why Twilight in that first book and that first movie, the third act, those evil vampires seem to come out of nowhere, but there’s a reason this story’s got to go somewhere. We got to have some sort of thing to deal with.

Laci (00:18:51):

Well, so they turned Christian into the evil vampire and the final act of this where she asked to see the worst. What he gives is, it’s the worst if you didn’t ask for it, but still considering all the shit in this room, Christian, I think you’re just into decorating.

Matt (00:19:07):

He should bring in some evil billionaires that they have to battle.

Laci (00:19:11):

So in reading, I did spoil it into the movie. I watched all of it except for 20 minutes and I liked it a lot more before I saw the last 20 minutes, but I did my research before finishing The 20 Minutes and that spoiled everything for me. So I was like, “Oh, well, that was a stupid way for me to do it. ” But it seems that the sequels to the book, they just follow exactly what Twilight does with the marriage, the unintentional pregnancy, they keep the same dramas going plot

Matt (00:19:40):

Points.This podcast is focusing only on 50 Shades of Gray, the 2015 movie directed by Sam Taylor Johnson. I’ve read most of the book, skimmed a lot more of it, but yeah, what happens in the sequels is not our concern here. So she writes this fan fiction and it takes off and then she gets to turn it into non-Twilight. This blew my fucking mind. I always knew that 50 Shades of Gray was a Twilight fan, Fik. And if you didn’t know it and you watched this movie or read the book, you would probably figure it out. All of the character dynamics are the exact same. Oh

Laci (00:20:15):

Yeah.

Matt (00:20:15):

The

Laci (00:20:15):

Tension building is the same. The normal, quirky, ordinary girl is the same.

Matt (00:20:22):

Yes, who doesn’t seem to be much of a character. Her only attribute is I like old books.

Laci (00:20:26):

And I fall down.

Matt (00:20:27):

Yeah, exactly.

Laci (00:20:28):

I’m clumsy. I get a little silly if I drink

Matt (00:20:31):

Of boys

Laci (00:20:32):

Like me and I don’t notice.

Matt (00:20:33):

I have like weird like, “Oh, that’s my adopted stepfather who raised me, whereas my vaginal mother disappeared from the program for 18 years, but now she’s back with a baseball husband or I don’t know, sort of weird father-daughter dynamics. Okay. I always knew all of that. Not until researching for this podcast did I realize that in the E.L. James Twilight Fanfic, Edward, the billionaire, is not a vampire. I was like, what is the point then?” I assumed Bob’s Burgers, the great television show, started life with the premise that this family has a restaurant and their cannibals and somewhere in development the studio was like, “Hey, can we lose the cannibal part?” And they’re like, “Yeah, I guess, I guess.” And I assumed that’s what happened here is they’re like, “Okay, just change it. He’s no longer a vampire.”

Laci (00:21:21):

No,

Matt (00:21:21):

If I were to

Laci (00:21:22):

Say just change it. He is a vampire and it’s not a big deal. I didn’t know where you were going with

Matt (00:21:26):

That. That if Edward’s not a vampire, then he’s not Edward. So does this even count as well? “I’m on solo, but I work at a Brooklyn pizzeria.” No, you’re not there. That’s the defining thing about you.

Laci (00:21:40):

Christian knows how to play piano, he knows about literature, he knows all these things. So you know what’s a way to do that is to be a very wealthy young person who’s being overly cultured and civilized or whatever. The point is that Christian has lived the life of like a 30 or 40 year old or 50. He’s more worldly. His timeline has been sped up and he’s meeting but a mortal girl who doesn’t know all these things. She just knows one thing. Having money does put you in this other place where you can access knowledge, access things, access experiences and get out of jail free cards and all kinds of things and access a level of danger when you’re not part of that world. It’s a perfect way of showing how you can meet a literal vampire. I mean, I’m sorry, a person that might as well be a vampire.

Matt (00:22:34):

I mean, I really resent that he’s a billionaire because all I can see is Jeffrey Epstein recruit, “Oh, you’re a virgin? Okay, great. Come aboard my helicopter. We’re going to go off to these secret locales.”

Laci (00:22:45):

You’ve been really on Jepstein. Let’s call it Depsteen.

Matt (00:22:48):

It’s everywhere. It’s everywhere. It’s running the world. It’s in all of our culture.

Laci (00:22:55):

Well, it actually is. Yeah. Anytime anyone in money grace is its presence, it’s been tainted and we’re all reacting to what it feels like to be not a billionaire all the time, even if we don’t know we’re doing that. This helpless feeling it’s like, I’ll hope and I’m getting arrested. I can’t afford OJ’s attorney. Am I right?

Matt (00:23:16):

Yeah. Well, and it’s a moral abomination that they exist at all. So 50 Shades of Gray gets published in 2011. I did track down the original text to Maxter of the Universe. They are very, very similar. Very, very similar in many cases, just find and replace Bella with Anastasia. 50 Shades Darker and 50 Shades Freed were published the following year and these novels were a worldwide sensation and almost as big as the novels themselves were an industry of cultural criticism of people being like, “What does it say about us? What does this say about the state of feminism? What are these novels really about? Are they conservative? Are they progressive?” I mean, the same thing happens with Twilight and the same thing happened with Game of Thrones and basically anything that gets so big, but where actually all that’s going on here is it’s fun.

Matt (00:24:07):

So people then have to come up with ways that we can make it more important than it is. So is this progressive or conservative? Is this retrograde? Is it sex positive? Is it pro BDSM? Is it anti-BDSM? I

Laci (00:24:19):

Mean, because E.L. James was writing this just because it titillated her. She found Twilight stimulating and so she wrote stimulating books for herself and they just happen to be fucking … Yeah, it’s a little bit too much to put on someone’s shoulders. I was like, “But what are you saying about Finmis?” I’m saying something about my pussy right now. And I mean, so was fucking Stephanie Myers.

Matt (00:24:40):

But yeah, as happened with Twilight as well, the reviews were polarized, mixed to negative. I’m going to read from the telegraph in 2012.

Laci (00:24:51):

I’m sorry. I’d say that Twilight is a way to watch and read safe sex and I’d say that 50 Shades of Gray is a way to watch and read safe porn. Stuff you feel just a little bit of guilt about but can enjoy it and then be like, “Oh, those are silly.”

Matt (00:25:07):

But you

Laci (00:25:07):

Can’t do the same thing about porn, you can’t. Either you’re watching it or you’re not.

Matt (00:25:11):

Right. Except 50 Shades of Gray, having only consumed the first entry, seems way more moralizing than Twilight does. Seems like this is bad. Bad people do this. This guy’s traumatized and abused. That’s why he does this. So you should be

Laci (00:25:24):

Ashamed to do it. I didn’t take it like that. I knew that I totally understand why you did, but because they leave it so unfinished, I feel like he was very clear about who he was and what he liked and she kept insisting he didn’t know himself. We don’t know how that relationship actually would’ve developed or if he’d ever have hit her that hard or any of those things or if she … And to me, I thought she was enjoying it. I thought she was … I’m telling you, not watching the last 20 minutes was a big problem because I had all night to think about the nice way that this relationship was going. I thought she was growing into it, which you shouldn’t have to do. That’s not the way to get into this.

Matt (00:26:09):

Yeah. And then maybe on also-

Laci (00:26:11):

It felt positive to me.

Matt (00:26:13):

I mean, it also might be, I don’t buy … I think both of these actors suck in this movie and I don’t buy either of them. So if she’s supposed to be into it, maybe Dakota Johnson is just not selling me on it and he’s just a big wet sack of flower, that guy

Laci (00:26:28):

Dove then.

Matt (00:26:29):

Quote from a book review in the telegraph in 2012. “In fact, it’s the definition of a page turner. Even if anyone unfamiliar with the world of DSM is likely to turn the pages more out of horrified fascination than engagement with the characters, grace sexual predilections are break turns shocking and banal and the mini sex scenes often toe curling. I’d really like to claim your ass is one line that lingers in my memory, but James deserves credit for opening a window on a world of sexual power play alien to most of us. Some feminist readers have also praised her for depicting steel as Grey’s equal, even if he requires her to be submissive sexually. This reading has some merit. Gray praises Steele for her strength of character and she is always an equal player in negotiations between them, sexual or otherwise. “It’s also made clear in the book, though I won’t reveal how to avoid a plot spoiler, that the dominant submissive relationship need not always be male, female.

Matt (00:27:19):

There’s also something courageous about James’s decision to show sex in all its gory detail and always written from the women’s point of view.” And so these books are written in first person. I read a very interesting article recently about the massive trend in the publishing industry toward first person, especially in romance. People were like, “I will not read books if they’re in the third person. I want to always see the word I, I did this, me.

Matt (00:27:44):

“

Laci (00:27:44):

It helps with the fantasy part of it. Yeah. I mean, that’s the whole thing with book talk, right? It’s all about books that help you lose yourself. You lose yourself because you take on that person’s life.

Matt (00:27:56):

Meanwhile, Salmon Rushdie had this to say. “I’ve never read anything so badly written that got published. It made Twilight look like war in peace.

Laci (00:28:03):

“Okay, come down.

Matt (00:28:05):

Yeah, it is a slog. It is a pain to get through. She is actually, I think might be a litle bit better at writing than Stephanie Meyer, but they’re both pretty bad. But she is an incredibly canny business person, does not option the movies. Usually if your book has any chance at all, you option it to movies, as we learned with Sideways last week. You get the movie deal before you even get the publishing contract, but she waits until these books are already a sensation and then she has incredible leverage.

Laci (00:28:36):

She is Ms. Steele. I mean, even the naming conventions, right? The woman is tough and Gray is wishy wash. He doesn’t even know himself. He claims to, but he is just living in the gray.

Matt (00:28:51):

She did the exact same thing. She took Stephanie Meyer’s stuff and was a big success out of it. And then she’s like, ” Okay, for my next three books, the same three books with this time from Christian’s perspective. “

Laci (00:29:03):

Yeah, no, I know she did. Yeah.

Matt (00:29:04):

And then Stephanie Meyer did that with Twilight. So she mixed in with universal pictures, hires the producers, Michael DeLuca and Dana Brunetti. These are like major, major producers. They’re coming off the social network. So this is a major, major deal and directors they consider are Joe Wright, Patty Jenkins, Bene Miller, Steven Soderbergh. Ultimately it ends up with Sam Taylor Johnston. She is the director of Nowhere Boy. We’ll go on to direct a million little pieces and the Amy Winehouse biopic Back to Black. She’s also the husband of Aaron Taylor Johnson. She’s 23 years older than him and they changed each other’s last names to each other’s.

Laci (00:29:39):

She’s the husband.

Matt (00:29:40):

She’s the wife of Aaron Taylor Johnson. He was Aaron Johnson or was he Aaron Taylor? Whatever. So this movie gets released in 2015. It’s a huge hit, but the second movie isn’t green lit immediately and that’s unusual. So let’s go to the dirt sheets from Variety in 2015. “Jane James, E.L. James was very involved in all aspects of The 50 Shades film as she attended creative meetings to make sure that the film didn’t veer too far from her book. According to sources, James, who has no prior film experience, would at times hold up the creative process by offering input that wasn’t in line with the filmmaker’s vision. But given James’s contract with Universal, the director and other producers on the film couldn’t go around her.”

Laci (00:30:23):

That is what people say is that the movie’s incredibly true to the books.

Matt (00:30:27):

But apparently not-

Laci (00:30:29):

But not the

Matt (00:30:30):

Casting. … true enough in this first book, in this first movie, which is why San Taylor Johnson is not brought back and she said in that same variety article in 2015, “James and director Taylor Johnson constantly fought on set and in the editing room on details surrounding the movie.” An author being in the editing room is very unusual. And we talk all the time on the podcast in these history sections about authors being involved in movies and how usually your movie ends up better the further away the author is because writing a book and making a movie very different. “We disagreed a lot. “Taylor Johnson told Variety in January. She created these characters in the story. I was trying to create a film experience that would honor the book, but at the same time, give us a fresh perspective. That was difficult for her. We’d battle things out.

Matt (00:31:18):

I think you could say we crossed every scenario through our battles. And then she later said she regretted making the movie. She wouldn’t have done it again for the sequels they got, James Foley, the director of Glen Gary Glenn Ross. To cast the roles, it’s basically like every single prominent actor and actress of their generation from this era. But Amelia Clark, Denari’s Targarian was offered the role and she turned it down because of the nudity. She said,” Everyone knows that’s what I do on Game of Thrones is be nude a lot. So I don’t want that to be like my thing.

Laci (00:31:53):

“Oh, okay. Got you.

Matt (00:31:54):

But we got Alicia Vickander, Imogen Puts, Shaylene Woodley, Felicity Jones, Elizabeth Olson, but it ends up with Arl Pal Dakota Johnson who was 24 years old when she was cast. And even in the announcements at the time, it’s like Ms. Johnson, who is best known for being in eight seconds of the social network and being the daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith and the granddaughter of Tippi Hedren and the stepdaughter of Antonio Banderas. She’s the major new star to play Christian.

Laci (00:32:23):

Johnson.

Matt (00:32:24):

They hire Charlie Hunum from Sons of Anarchy, but he doesn’t end up doing it.

Laci (00:32:28):

Dang.

Matt (00:32:28):

He has to leave because of-

Laci (00:32:29):

I’m buying that grizzled look though.

Matt (00:32:32):

I kind of like Charlie Honum.

Laci (00:32:34):

Most people were like, ” But it was supposed to be like a scouring brunette. Where’s this blonde coming from? “But a blonde with wrinkles like that, yes, I will take it.

Matt (00:32:44):

I don’t know how old he was at the time, but he’s like a guy who’s always seemed old to me or just grizzled.

Laci (00:32:50):

I love a grizzle. That would’ve worked.

Matt (00:32:53):

Look, this character makes no fucking sense. I’m 27 years old. I’m a billionaire. I started in Seattle.

Laci (00:33:00):

Right. Well, that was part of the Twilight connection. Seattle.

Matt (00:33:03):

It ends up with this guy, Jamie Dornan, Northern Irish actor model in the TV series with Once Upon a Time. He visited a sex dungeon to prepare for this role. But there was backlash. NotMyChristian. The criticism affected him so much he had to go into hiding after the movie came out. He said in 2024- That’s a

Laci (00:33:21):

Shame.

Matt (00:33:22):

It was a strange thing because there’s a bit of ridicule here and now I’m contracted to do two more.

Laci (00:33:26):

Yeah.

Matt (00:33:26):

Knowing that there will be much more damnation to come. Look, I don’t know why people were so upset by this guy before seeing the movie. Having seen the movie, I don’t think he’s good. I don’t know. But how did people know ahead of time? What’s so offensive about him? Is it just that he’s Irish?

Laci (00:33:43):

I also remember that people just really didn’t love the Christian … Christian Stewart. Help me. Stewart. Ashley, what is her name?

Matt (00:33:52):

Kristen Stewart.

Laci (00:33:53):

Kristen Stewart. They didn’t feel like that was the right bella, but now to me, that’s all it could have been. I don’t remember about how they felt about Patterson, but probably more.

Matt (00:34:03):

He’s from Harry Pota. He’s not Twy.That’s

Laci (00:34:06):

The problem. These movies live … I mean, these books live in your mind. These characters live in your mind for years before they’re on screen. This is impossible.

Matt (00:34:14):

Okay, that’s my next thing, is this era is like we’re seeing a transformation of now fans control everything. Traditionally it was like, fuck the fans. The filmmakers know what to do. We’ll make a good movie. The Harry Potter series got it perfectly right, like enough fidelity to the material, but also their own things, hiring interesting directors like Alfonso Quoron to turn these 900 page novels into two hour movies. And now as we’re seeing people are like, ” We don’t want that. We want you to just take every single page and put it on screen for a 80 billion hour HBO series. “The Twilight movies, if you go back to our Twilight episode, we talked about how for as faithful as that first movie is to that first book, it wasn’t faithful enough for people. And so they didn’t bring back Katherine Hardwick, the director of that first movie and they specifically told Robert Patton said,” You can’t play this character as a weirdo anymore.

Laci (00:35:04):

“Yeah, dial it back.

Matt (00:35:05):

Yeah. And it’s like, that sucks.

Laci (00:35:07):

But that was interesting.

Matt (00:35:08):

Yes, that’s great. That’s why that first movie’s so good. AO Scott, in his review of the movie from 2015-

Laci (00:35:15):

Oh, sorry.

Matt (00:35:17):

“In my own opinion, 50 Shades of Gray is a better movie than a book. By that, I simply mean that Ms. Taylor Johnson has a better command of filmmaking craft than Ms. James has of English prose, but the aesthetic superiority of the movie actually works to its disadvantage. Ms. James’ blunt writing and awkward plotting helped to demystify and democratize the wild and esoteric sex. While Ms. Taylor Johnson-Silky imagery tries to restore an aura of mystery on the page, 50 Shades is bad art and effective pornography. On screen, it’s reverse.

Laci (00:35:45):

Ah, interesting.

Matt (00:35:47):

This may be one of the reasons that in spite of the movie’s triumph at the box office, Ms. James has moved to reassert control over two planned sequels. Ms. Taylor Johnson and the screenwriter, Kelly Marcel, probably will not be involved in the next chapter according to reports. Whether this means more explicit sex or worse dialogue remains to be seen, but it is clear enough that the instructions of the writer and presumably the inferred desires of her readers will need to be obeyed. Fans and critics don’t always want the same thing. This is not a complaint or self-flagellation. It’s a fact of life. Book reviewers were generally pleased with Harry Potter, sometimes extravagantly so, and almost universally dismissive of 50 shades. Similarly, they praise the artistry of Suzanne Collins as the Hunger Games trilogy and disparaged the prose of Stephanie Meyer’s twilight books. None of which made much of a difference to the legions who devoured all of those books, nor have mixed reviews for the film versions dented the enthusiasm of moviegoers.

Matt (00:36:39):

Does this mean that critics are hopelessly out of touch or that our judgments don’t matter? Well, no, of course not. What did you expect me to say? But that’s not because we possess superior wisdom or better taste. It’s because our job description is neither to affirm nor to oppose popular opinion, but to plot a tangent away from it. And then he goes on to say, you could even read these two characters as being two models of a fan, of Christian being the fan who wants things specifically the way they are in his mind and Anastasia being like, “I just want the best

Laci (00:37:12):

Thing.” I’m at a disadvantage having not read the book.

Matt (00:37:15):

But the differences between the book and movie include a few things.

Laci (00:37:18):

Okay.

Matt (00:37:19):

This is according to cinema blend. There’s no period sex scene.

Laci (00:37:22):

And that’s all I was thinking about, Matt.

Matt (00:37:24):

Really?

Laci (00:37:24):

When she comes in with the joke about like, “Oh, well the doctor said I have to wait four weeks for sex because his face drops.” And she’s like, “Just kidding.” And I’m like, “Okay, fine, but you’ve been with him for like four weeks now. When is your period? When is that? And how does he feel about that? Do you get to come over during that week?

Matt (00:37:42):

She better.That

Laci (00:37:44):

Was going to be a moral test for me.

Matt (00:37:46):

And

Laci (00:37:46):

It never came up. Also, he’s always kissing her whenever she has the worst breath. She throws up … I’m sorry, this is off topic, but I kept wanting to shout, human moment. I need time for a human moment or whatever Bella used to say because he just wants to fuck her and inspect her body and stick things up her ass and all kinds of stuff. And it’s like, when does she poop? She can only eat from a preferred list of foods. Is that because of the butt stuff? Explain.

Matt (00:38:11):

Yeah. Well, in the e-book, I did do a control F for anal and there is a lot of discussion of anal in the book. I understand you’re not going to put this in a Hollywood movie.

Laci (00:38:22):

It’s in sideways.

Matt (00:38:23):

But it’s in there. Yeah, just as a joke. But yeah, restore the anal cut, I say. And this is another issue with her being so young. If you’re more of a fully formed adult, not just the sex part, but the idea that I will just outsource all my decision making to someone else can start to seem incredibly appealing. You can see why that is. Oh yes. But you’re like, I’ve got the world by the balls. I’m 22 years old and just graduated. Suma come loud from Washington state, whatever. It doesn’t make any sense.

Laci (00:38:51):

Except for that she’s a virgin and that’s still a virgin at any age and a virgin as long as as you’re getting older in New Year’s, there’s probably some … Someone just take this from me. I’m sick of it being the thing about me. The

Matt (00:39:03):

Sex part, yes. But like all the other aspects. Telling you need to exercise all of that. Wait.

Laci (00:39:08):

When is she going to get to go pursue her career and what is it? I don’t …

Matt (00:39:13):

It’s an email job. I know that much.

Laci (00:39:15):

All right.

Matt (00:39:16):

There are generally fewer sex scenes. She’s got sort of an eating disorder in the book. She’s not eating or she is. I don’t know. Because

Laci (00:39:22):

She’s worried at any moment he’s going to pop in her apartment and stick things in her ass.

Matt (00:39:26):

And according to Cinema Blend, they omit the scene where Christian and Anna jam out to Britney Spears in the car. Oh,

Laci (00:39:33):

That sounds nice. Wait, okay. So what is the period sex scene like and what’s the point of it? He

Matt (00:39:38):

Pulls her tampon out and has sex with a wrong period.

Laci (00:39:41):

Son of a fuck. I know someone that did that in real life and then I dated them. Yeah.

Matt (00:39:47):

I mean, the woman could pull out her own tampon and then you just have to ask. Yeah, but

Laci (00:39:50):

This is the guy that did it. Yeah.

Matt (00:39:51):

Well, I mean, maybe some people want that. I don’t know. What if I did that to you? You wouldn’t like that?

Laci (00:39:55):

I don’t wear tampons. I use a diva cup. Oh,

Matt (00:39:58):

You got to check out the diva cup, folks. If

Laci (00:40:00):

You pulled that out,

Matt (00:40:02):

It’d

Laci (00:40:02):

Be a massacre.

Matt (00:40:04):

But you can do everything with those in. No,

Laci (00:40:09):

That’s a different thing. It’s same principle but different. It goes … Oh God.

Matt (00:40:16):

Okay. This is sex month. We have to talk about it.

Laci (00:40:18):

I don’t even know what it’s called. It’s just this collecting cup that you shove past your pelvic bone. So you can have sex while and you don’t even know you’re on your period, but except for all the leaking … I don’t know. But

Matt (00:40:33):

I guess that just speaks to the … Yeah, this is baby’s first sex book or baby’s first introduction into slightly kinkier sex that the idea of a period of having sex on your menstruation period is scandalous. Right. Everyone’s done it. It’s just a thing people do.

Laci (00:40:50):

Yeah. There’s not enough time in the day to plan it for everything.

Matt (00:40:53):

Yeah. But I get it, but that is why if you find Twilight Hot, you’ll find this hot too. And I’ve never found Twilight hot. I find it a good depiction of yearning, of teenage yearning.

Laci (00:41:04):

Cars on the table. I found both of them hot. I know.

Matt (00:41:07):

We watched them separately and Laci’s like, “This movie’s so hot. It’s also so stupid, but it’s so hot. It’s so naked.” I was like, “Well, it better fucking be naked because I’m in like 20 minutes and I’m … She’s an alien.” I just kept shouting, “You’re a fucking alien, Dakota Johnson.”

Laci (00:41:21):

I know who you mean. She worked on me right away. I mean, she’s just supposed to be some plain girl. That’s what I got.

Matt (00:41:30):

I’m a plain girl. Then be more of a hick. She’s such a hasty.

Laci (00:41:34):

I don’t think she needs to be a hick. I think she just regular. No. She’s regular. Then that’s way too much of a power imbalance. At least she is smart and they give her moments to be smart.

Matt (00:41:44):

Then you need … I don’t know. As we saw with the Pepsi can, she’s incapable of being regular.

Laci (00:41:53):

I don’t know. You keep saying there’s all these alien performances and I haven’t seen them so I can’t say. I feel like she’s supposed to be an alien on his planet so it works here. So I would just need to see where it’s not supposed to be that.

Matt (00:42:04):

That’s a good point. Okay. Okay. Now we’re going to move on specifically.

Laci (00:42:08):

I say yelling at her if she were the leading begonia. It’s like she is an alien.

Matt (00:42:12):

This isn’t bagonia.

Laci (00:42:14):

I know. I’m just saying. If that’s your other example, don’t even bother. A fan fic about begonia.

Matt (00:42:20):

Going to talk about the movie now scene by scene line by line, dissect all of the sex, tell you each other.

Laci (00:42:25):

But don’t let that stop you from listening.

Matt (00:42:28):

Yeah. Subscribe to the podcast to hear that all. Thank you. So the movie opens with the clouds, white clouds mixing with gray clouds, forming black clouds. This movie is very psychological and it’s very symbolical too. For example, when they break up at the end, it’s raining. But the thing is, it’s raining in that sad. But at an earlier point in the movie, Anastasia Steele gets very turned on sexually by Christian Gray of Greyhouse Inc. And she goes out into the rain and it’s like she’s getting cummed on.

Laci (00:43:41):

Okay. But then also when the saddest moment of their relationship happens, it is raining outside.

Matt (00:43:46):

Yeah. So it’s like Rain can be-

Laci (00:43:48):

It can be

Matt (00:43:49):

Both. And it’s the duality of men. Oh

Laci (00:43:52):

My God.

Matt (00:43:53):

Some of these cast members are going by and I’m like, “I love Jennifer Ely. Hell yeah. Callum Keith Renne.” Must have been filmed in Vancouver. You can’t have a movie in Vancouver without him. Marcia Gay Harden. Wow, what a cast. None of them do anything at all in this movie, but-

Laci (00:44:06):

They have lines.

Matt (00:44:07):

It’s nice to see Seattle, right? That’s nice.

Laci (00:44:10):

Enjoyed it.

Matt (00:44:12):

In this opening sequence, we are cutting between our two main characters. I guess it’s interesting for a movie that’s just a cover of Twilight, interesting that our Edward is not teased. He’s just there immediately. Here he is. So he is the height of elegance with his big walk-in closet with a billion ties and tie machines. She’s putting on some sort of outfit. I mean, what is her outfit and the way she’s styled? What is it supposed to tell us? It’s

Laci (00:44:39):

Frumpy. It’s modest. It’s not fashion forward. It doesn’t seem like she gave it much thought at all. She doesn’t look like a kid. She actually looks older. She looks like Anne Hathaway in the beginning of Devil War’s product. It looks like she’s going to have some sort of outfit evolution. Look out for that.

Matt (00:44:55):

With Anne Hathaway and Devil Wears Prada, at least there’s the excuse of like, my mind is too occupied with important stuff to think about that. Whereas Dakota Johnson here is just like, “I’m just like

Laci (00:45:04):

A baby.” You don’t know anything about her and that’s not true. She’s graduating college. I think her mind’s just as preoccupied. And I think part of her personality is kind of aloofness and that can be aloof to fashion too. Just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean she cares about clothes. Even when Christian buys her stuff, she doesn’t care about the way that they look. She just goes, “Oh, these fit.” Or they say have good taste. She’s not a fashion person. You can’t really turn a non-fashioned person into caring about it.

Matt (00:45:32):

And then she has this roommate, roommate who in the novel or in the Twilight novel is Rosalie, who Rosley is Edward’s sister, correct?

Laci (00:45:40):

Rosalie.

Matt (00:45:40):

Rosalie is Edward’s sister, but here, Bella’s roommate. Once again-

Laci (00:45:45):

Wait, why would that be the … I didn’t connect those two.

Matt (00:45:49):

I’m saying in the original text before she eachwilighted it, this is

Laci (00:45:52):

Rosalie. Oh, okay.That was the sister she was the most comfortable with right away who was this nicest to her. A true friend. No, Rosalie. No, Rosalie’s the one that didn’t like her, right? That was the one that didn’t want her to turn into a vampire. She did not like her. She just didn’t want her to take that light.

Matt (00:46:09):

The one with the-

Laci (00:46:10):

Alice is the one that she

Matt (00:46:11):

Liked right away. The psychic is the nice one.

Laci (00:46:13):

Yes. I know.

Matt (00:46:14):

And that’s not Rosalie?

Laci (00:46:15):

No. Rosalie is the one that did not have the choice to become a vampire.

Matt (00:46:19):

But again, I mean-

Laci (00:46:19):

The only thing similar about the roommate and Rosalie are that they’re blondes. That’s literally it.

Matt (00:46:24):

I don’t want to devolve into what I don’t understand about this fan fiction thing, but it’s like if you’re taking away actual attributes, at what point is it … It’s not even fan fiction anymore. It’s just these are just names. But I guess it’s like if you have a dream and you’re like, in my dream, my wife was my doctor and my mom was my teacher, but still my mom, there’s just some sort of essence. And I guess if you know these books so well that you feel like I can take away all their actual attributes, but I still know their soul. So she’s still Rosalie and she’s my roommate.

Laci (00:46:56):

Rosalie. And well, maybe it’s because they kind of allude to … Well, they both end up dating brothers and that’s true in Twilight. That is what happens, but Alice would have worked just fine here. Just Rosalie is a bit more into typical feminine coated aesthetics, blonde, dresses nice, knows what to wear.

Matt (00:47:19):

Adversarial with Bella though. So this is like your people who want Harry and Draco Moufoy to be friends. In my universe, the universe that she has created in her universe, they’ve gotten past all that and now they just love each other.

Laci (00:47:35):

Yeah. Yes.

Matt (00:47:36):

So the roommate has the fucking fever or something. She’s like, “I can’t go do my work. Can you go interview this billionaire for me? ” And she says, “Do you know where you’re going? ” And Anastasia Steele, Dakota Johnson is like, “Yeah, I have a GPS and a 4.0 GPA. I can figure it out. “

Laci (00:47:53):

Oh, now we know everything we need to know about her. She can work equipment and has A’s.

Matt (00:47:58):

She’s driving apparently they are in Vancouver, Washington, which is not Vancouver, British Columbia. This fucks up in the Pacific Northwest made it confusing like that. She has to drive 90 miles to Seattle. I think this movie, there’s a lot of solid stuff going for it, but one thing it’s bad at is geography. It seems like they live in Seattle the whole time, but no, you got to pay close attention. They’re not in Seattle.

Laci (00:48:18):

I noticed that they didn’t live there. I just didn’t know where they lived. They made it seem kind of far because whenever he does come see her at the hardware store, he’s staying at a hotel. So why stay at a hotel if it was like a quick drive?

Matt (00:48:29):

Because he’s rich and that’s what they do. But the movie does have a good eye for production design and interiors because she goes to his office and you get the cold clinical modernist office.

Laci (00:48:40):

Well, even more bizarre and more unwelcoming is that every person that works there is a very attractive blonde who wears basically the same outfit. Not Stepford wives or anything, but what it’s showing is, oh, Christian has a type, which is also also alluding to Devil Wears Prada where she walks in and she’s the only one that doesn’t look like she’s also trying to be a fashion model. The whole like, “I’ll never fit in here. I have too much brains and too many brown bangs on my head. Has anyone noticed my hair is brown?” And then there’s bangs.

Matt (00:49:12):

I mean, I’m just thinking these is his army of Jilane Maxwell’s, but maybe once you graduate out of the being his sub program, you just get a job working for him and that’s

Laci (00:49:21):

How it keeps you. That’s the excellent intern program he was referencing, I guess.

Matt (00:49:25):

Exactly, yes.

Laci (00:49:26):

Okay.

Matt (00:49:27):

So she’s like, “Hello, I’m Anastasia Stelam. I’m studying English lit.” And he’s like, “Well, I only have 10 minutes to talk.” It’s just the worst fucking … These British Islanders, when they can’t do an American accent, just have, “Hello, my name is Christian Gray.”

Laci (00:49:45):

I mean, I guess I would notice on it. I thought he was just being a dick, but you know whose voice you reminds me of and this impression you’re doing would work for both his live Tyler. And I’m thinking like, wait, is it a thing where if your mom and dad are super famous or you come from this, do you go to etiquette classes and they’re telling you to be soft spoken or like, “Hey, if you don’t have a whole lot of personality, be soft spoken because people will think you’re mysterious.” There’s more going on. It seems to be a trick. It’s definitely a choice to be soft spoken because she’s very soft spoken the entire time and it’s like, are you trying to differentiate yourself or is this just the way you speak? I don’t know. I haven’t seen her in other movies.

Matt (00:50:24):

Yeah. And didn’t Liv Tyler not grow up with her rich dad? So maybe she didn’t go to etiquette school. I don’t remember stuff.

Laci (00:50:31):

I don’t know if anyone goes to etiquette school. I just know she very young was put in his music videos as the sex symbol and then got an acting career from there.

Matt (00:50:39):

She goes in, “I got to ask you some questions, or you must be a journalism major yourself.” And she’s like, “No, I’m studying the English books.” Okay, Mr. Gray, you have a massive fortune. Your business has the momentum of a runaway freight train. To what do you owe your success?

Laci (00:50:55):

Dude, are we going line for line on this movie?

Matt (00:50:58):

And he’s like, “Huh, really, business is about people, you see?”

Laci (00:51:02):

Well, he’s like, “Really, this question? Come on, you’re better than that, valedictorian, which is who her friend is. “

Matt (00:51:07):

And he says a bunch of shit about business. “Oh, I know people. I know it’s all about business and incentives and soft, you see. “She’s like, ” Man, I’m just lucky. “I

Laci (00:51:15):

Know what people want. I know how to trick them. I’m a manipulator, you see?

Matt (00:51:18):

But I’ll say you invest in agricultural projects in Africa, so I think you must be

Laci (00:51:23):

Good person. Every rich person has some philanthropy, dude.

Matt (00:51:28):

Yes. And once I hear, oh, agricultural stuff in Africa, I’m just like, oh, so you’re like- Diamond

Laci (00:51:33):

Mining?

Matt (00:51:35):

You’re doing diamond mining or eugenics or probably both.

Laci (00:51:38):

Right. That sounds like a shell company in order to get the blood off the diamonds.

Matt (00:51:42):

Yeah. But Mr. Gray here turns the table. He’s like, ” What about you?

Laci (00:51:46):

“No. I wasn’t apart head for this. I only have lived a short life.

Matt (00:51:53):

I just came out of my chest tube so I have nothing going on. And then just Lane Maxwell comes in and is like, ” Mr. Gray, it’s time for your next meeting. “He’s like, ” Cancel my meetings.

Laci (00:52:01):

“This trick is crazy. She’s blowing my mind. She’s already told me I’m nice and yet she doesn’t know me. And then she told me that people who do know me, they don’t know me.

Matt (00:52:13):

I guess because she had the kind of snappy, like, maybe you’re just lucky and he’s not used to people not kissing his ass.

Laci (00:52:20):

That got his attention, but no, she twice implied he was nice and that he doesn’t know everything and he liked that.

Matt (00:52:26):

Oh my God.

Laci (00:52:27):

He wants to be subbed so bad.

Matt (00:52:29):

So cancel all my meetings. Really? Yeah. Miss whatever. Ms. Steele, you’re an English major. Was it Charlotte Bronte, Jane Austin, and Thomas Hardy who made you fall in love with literature? And she’s like, ” Thomas Heidi, I would’ve figured him this. “Why are you

Laci (00:52:42):

Doing a Matilda impression now? I can listen to Charles Dickens all day.

Matt (00:52:49):

It’s Bobi Dick by Herman Melville. It’s lovely. Now because see, she’s not your typical girly girl because she didn’t say Jane Austen or Charlotte Bronte. She’d said Thomas Horn. Oh my God, she picked a

Laci (00:52:59):

Penis.

Matt (00:53:00):

He’s scouting her. She’s a freshly born pod person. She’ll do nicely for his program. She goes outside, this whole thing has turned her on and it’s raining on her.

Laci (00:53:09):

Well, this movie, okay. To give credit where it is due and why this movie grabs me right away is it is really good at building this palpable, I guess it’s tension, but it’s erotic. It does what Twilight does. There’s a lot of face acting happening. I’m not saying it’s good, but somewhere between the score, the way it’s shot and the closeups of them and their little twitches and their little … And their pauses is like, okay, which one of us is going to come first? Are we all edging together? What’s going on? Goons?

Matt (00:53:43):

I could not disagree with you more, but this is just one of those things with it’s either working for you or it’s not. And it’s not like I can intellectualize with Kristen Stewart and Robert Patinson. Yeah, I feel it between them, even though it’s like this … Yeah, it’s not my greatest romance of all time. But in this, I don’t buy it for one second that these people like.

Laci (00:54:03):

Oh, okay.

Matt (00:54:03):

I think they both suck. I think there’s no chemistry and I do not feel it. I do not feel tension.

Laci (00:54:10):

All right. Well …

Matt (00:54:12):

But there are hurdles. He’s a billionaire. I’m not able to just take the leap that like, oh, it’s so cool and forbidden and he’s so powerful. It all just seems so creepy and evil.

Laci (00:54:25):

It’s supposed to seem creepy and evil, Matt.

Matt (00:54:27):

But not in a fun way.

Laci (00:54:28):

But okay, but you do understand her making this, the fan fiction is a commentary on what she thinks is wrong about Bella and Edwards relationship, that on some level she feels that was an abusive relationship. It never should have happened. The age gap alone is insane, right? So this is just making it super literal. I don’t know. Are you just saying that it was just easier to like Edward and not find it creepy?

Matt (00:54:55):

Right. Yes. Yes. I’m less creeped out by vampires.

Laci (00:54:59):

I think this movie is doing a really good job. Maybe this is not this movie, but this idea that Yell came up with is doing a good job of making it more … Without magic, what does this look like? And adding the BDSM is smart because there’s so much about how he can’t kiss Bella. He definitely can’t have sex with her, not while she’s mortal, not before the contract. Oh God, no. I ripped your clothes. I’m a monster. I gave you bruises. I broke the bed. So it’s just like they make it so … I’m going to shove the biggest fucking … What’s an elephant’s horn made out of?

Matt (00:55:42):

Ivory.

Laci (00:55:43):

I’m shoving the biggest illegally poached ivory dildo up your smooth ass as soon as you sign this contract. But I’m a monster.

Matt (00:55:53):

She goes back. Goes back to her roommate.

Laci (00:55:56):

Who’s less sick.

Matt (00:55:59):

Suspicious. Hey, Rumi. So that guy, Mr. Gray, is really hot, right? And Jakoda Johnson, I think she gets better as the movie goes along, but just in these early sections, she’s just like, I surpass.

Laci (00:56:13):

She’s so affected, Matt. She’s never felt her loins want a thing in them.

Matt (00:56:19):

And the roommate’s like, “You know, I’ve noticed he’s never been photographed with a woman in public.” And then we cut to Anna in class, she got a pencil with the gray logo on it and she’s like-

Laci (00:56:31):

Biting it. Yeah, one of my first notes … Let me whip out my notes because boy did I make notes. And before I knew this was going to become a thing, I’m like, the amount of lip bites … I mean, it’s literally the first thing her character does. She looks at herself in the mirror, she’s got eye bags. When are we going to work on those? We never do. She’s got eyebags for the whole fucking movie, whatever. She’s only famous. But then she looks at herself in the lip bites. And it’s like, I know thirst trap videos, like TikTok stuff was not big here or even a thing yet, but the lip bite has become such a fucking tropy, cringey thing that it’s like you don’t get away with those in a regular movie without being like, “I want to fuck myself.”

Matt (00:57:15):

You can watch Fern Gully from 1992 and see Krista constantly biting her lip over Christian Slater.

Laci (00:57:20):

And then it instantly gets folded in as that makes me want to fuck

Matt (00:57:23):

You in this thing. You know what it does to me when I see you doing that. I want

Laci (00:57:26):

To bite that lip. I want to binge you over my knee. If you want mine, I’d punch you right in the fucking face.

Matt (00:57:31):

No, I think 10 years after Thomas Edison invented cinema, they figured this out. They’re like, “Oh, this is a code. If a woman does that, it means she’s getting hysterics.”

Laci (00:57:40):

Yeah, that her bottom lips are filling with blood and so that she’s pushing her top lips so that it’s because of vagina. Okay. I would like to point out that steel gray and gray steel are both things. Both are one’s a color, one’s a product. You’re welcome.

Matt (00:58:01):

She works at a hardware store because she’s like salt of the earth. She knows how to work with her hands.

Laci (00:58:06):

I don’t know if she does, but she can sell some tools and she knows where things are located.

Matt (00:58:10):

Well, and like Bella, she likes cars. She’s into cars.

Laci (00:58:14):

She likes them, but she can’t work on them. This is important, Matt. No, it’s a big importance and it’s the same with both of them. They’re still helpless. We can’t give these women things that could actually give them a career that we could envision or some sort of skill where they could save themselves. These women have to stay helpless. Even if they’re ultimate pick mees, right? Other girls might not want to watch you fix up this motorcycle, Jacob, but I have nothing else going on. And they’re both just smart enough. They both push back just enough. But the bottom line is they’re quiet and hot for what else is around. I don’t know. They’re hot and I don’t get it. I don’t get it, but man, do the fellas get it in these movies.

Matt (00:59:00):

She’s working at the hardware store and then who do you expect comes in but Christian Gray is like, “Oh, hello.What a surprise, Ms. Steele. Here I am at the hardware store.”

Laci (00:59:08):

And let’s be clear, the last place he was was all the way to the fucking Seattle.

Matt (00:59:12):

Yeah. So that’s like an hour away.

Laci (00:59:15):

Hour and a half.

Matt (00:59:16):

And you’re here. He’s like, “I’m here to pick up some cable ties and masking tape.” Some ether, some fertilizer, no reason.

Laci (00:59:24):

An acid bin that would definitely

Matt (00:59:26):

Dissolve a

Laci (00:59:27):

Dog or a lady.

Matt (00:59:29):

And he’s like, “By the way, I did an article and maybe you’d like an original photo of me. ” And she’s like, “That would be fucking … Meet me at the hotel tomorrow and we’ll take a swell headshot.” And so they are at the photo shoot and their photographer friend who’s the Jacob of their group.

Laci (00:59:46):

Let’s slow it down just for a sec because we’ve got another fucking thing that makes him just like Edward and now I’m doing it. I’m sorry. But he goes to check out and oh no, the fucking conventionally attracted A young person who’s her age touches her shoulders and says, “You got this Anastasia? I’ve got it. ” And man, does he get pissed? Instantly like, “Who’s that fucking guy?” And then now his first question, ladies, this is a theme with someone new you’ve met and they’re constantly, every time a male is around you and you haven’t even done anything to interact with them, “Is that your boyfriend?” You mean the drive-through guy that I just picked up a burger from? No, that one’s not.

Matt (01:00:31):

Because that’s what he does to her afterward. Hey, is that guy who photographed me, is he your boyfriend? What about the guy from the hardware store? Is he your boyfriend? And it’s like, this just speaks to everything that seems so weird that none of it can compute in my head. Twilight is a young adult novel to be read by 12-year-old girls where, is that your boyfriend? Is a common question. She’s supposed to be a fucking woman and he’s supposed to be a grown adult.

Laci (01:00:56):

And for him to be so smitten by a virgin, is she 22? She’s graduating,

Matt (01:01:02):

Right? 22, yeah.

Laci (01:01:03):

That’s weird.

Matt (01:01:04):

It’s fucked up. It’s weird. And it was written by a 40-year-old.

Laci (01:01:08):

And for her, his reaction would be, where’d you come from? A fucking commune.

Matt (01:01:17):

The

Laci (01:01:17):

Mormon religion is the only thing I can think of. I don’t know how I wasn’t married off before now, but-

Matt (01:01:21):

Yeah. Taking photos at a hotel because they have their Jacob, who’s their friend, Jose. He’s like, “Yes, I’m getting some smell shots. Mr. Gray, give us a smile,” but he won’t. He never smiles.

Laci (01:01:31):

Don’t do it.

Matt (01:01:32):

The friend is like, “Anna, he keeps looking at you. Why isn’t he looking at me and my tits?” So he’s like, “I don’t know. He invited me for coffee.” And then they go out to coffee and he’s like, first of many things, he’s like an Italian unknowna. He’s like, “You got to eat something.

Laci (01:01:51):

Come on. ” Well, it’s just like Edward constantly taking care of her when she … He immediately thinks she needs to be taken care of. Why? Because she fell once in your presence.

Matt (01:02:02):

The fundamental thing that I can’t get past is …

Laci (01:02:08):

She’s a baby bird.

Matt (01:02:09):

Is that these are supposed to be adults, but they’re acting like teenagers.

Laci (01:02:12):

I mean, I know that there needs to be something to take the place of … Because what compels Edward the whole time is that he immediately knows he’s encountered a smell he’s never smelled before.That is palpable. That is something that carries you all the way through the first movie. It makes sense why he’s like … Constantly wants to be next to her, but he can’t. Also, he can’t read her thoughts. That’s the two things and it’s driving him mad and he doesn’t know what it means, but he knows he doesn’t want her to die because he needs to figure it out or that’s going to make him crazy if you die before you fucking figure it out. So that’s what’s going on here too, but what is he smelling? I mean, it doesn’t have to be a smell, but seriously, you’ve never met a girl like he?

Matt (01:02:55):

That might be like my problem number one is the movie does not sell me on what’s special about her and what is so attractive about him to her other than he’s a billionaire.

Laci (01:03:04):

Exactly.

Matt (01:03:06):

And he is

Laci (01:03:06):

Handsome. And you get a lot of mileage out of Stephanie Meyer’s approach, which is there is a smell. He has a superpower that you are avoiding somehow. You don’t even need to understand if Bella is interesting. I already understand why she’s interesting to Edward. And I understand why she’s interesting in appealing to these other guys. It’s a small town. That makes sense. You’re in Seattle. You’re surrounded by these blonde minia. This is what you were looking for.

Matt (01:03:37):

A defense of all of this could be like, you’re being too literal about it. They’re saying she’s 22. You’re supposed to think of her as 16. This is a girl who has a crush on a boy. Yeah, but it’s about BDSM. I would not enjoy Twilight if I got to see Bella pegging Edward. I mean, I would like to see it, but it’s like, I don’t want to think about that. I want to see 32 year olds doing that. So it’s just this weird middle ground where we made them adults, but not old enough for any of this to make dramatic sense because they’re acting like teenagers, but they’re too old to be teenagers, but they’re not old enough to have all these sexual predilections.

Laci (01:04:12):

And it’s just a tricky thing, right? Because when you don’t have someone just oozing personality or really great writing or something, there’s nothing for them to magnetize with. There’s nothing for them to say. So we’re going from bad writing in a book to okay-ish writing in a movie or whatever, but it’s hard to write a girl as cool, as different, as unique. It’s hard to think of what that is. They just are. It’s a fucking dilemma. They don’t give her enough to say. Dakota Johnson isn’t enough to just ooze it. And so it’s like, okay, virgin then. Plus, let’s be real. If he found out that she’d ever had sex with anyone else, he would expect their name, address. He’d go look at them. He’d fucking get astract their cum and he’d taste it. I don’t know. He would need to know

Matt (01:05:03):

Everything. They would do that in the KGB. You’d have to register all your sexual partners. And he’d

Laci (01:05:07):

Be real weird about it. Every time they’d have something to … Oh, did Furlong do that? Wes Furlong is name. I bet Fred didn’t do it like this, right? Right. He’d be miserable.

Matt (01:05:20):

Furlong. Furlong. Furlong’s noticing like, “Huh, my webcam keeps coming on in the middle of the night. I wonder who’s doing that. I wonder what that’s about.

Laci (01:05:29):

I keep getting swatted. I’m not even going to twitch your kick.

Matt (01:05:32):

I keep getting cease and desist letters and lawsuits in the mail. What’s

Laci (01:05:36):

That about? I need you to have never touched this woman. Remove it. Exponge. Expunge Furlong.

Matt (01:05:43):

Not only is he a billionaire, he owns the telecommunications company, which is like- He

Laci (01:05:47):

Does?

Matt (01:05:48):

Yeah. That’s what they do. Which again, whole Jeffrey Epstein thing is like, yeah, this is all … You work for the CIA. That’s what you’re doing. That MacBook, she arrives home. Oh, he got me a MacBook, but there’s a guy there to install it. Yeah. What do you think he’s doing?

Laci (01:06:02):

Matt. Matt. Her Pepsi didn’t come with a man. So her laptop needed to come with a man. What movie was that in?

Matt (01:06:09):

That was Madam Webb.

Laci (01:06:10):

Okay.

Matt (01:06:11):

Madam Webb is so much better than this. No, it’s not. But it would be fun to talk about. Yeah. It’s something.

Laci (01:06:20):

Oh, what are you going to have? Nothing. This place is shit.

Matt (01:06:24):

Tell me about your family. And she’s like, “My dad died when I was a baby and I was raised by my stepfather who don’t ask who he’s married to because my mom’s married to other men.”

Laci (01:06:35):

Right. This is a weird jump when she goes, “My mom’s been married four times.” Is the last one your stepdad and they’re happily married and so you were raised by a united family for all you understand? Oh no, they got divorced. So you’re a child of a no dad and then of going through three to four divorces. You’re not telling a story super well.

Matt (01:06:59):

I mean, step technically can also mean adopted, adoptive. It’s like an old fashioned way of saying my adoptive father, my stepfather.

Laci (01:07:10):

But where would you have come from, Matt?

Matt (01:07:11):

I don’t know. I’m just saying some British- From the

Laci (01:07:13):

Mom. Yeah,

Matt (01:07:15):

I don’t know.

Laci (01:07:15):

It’s just the husband she was with at that time when the dad died and when they … Whatever. I shouldn’t have to write this. Someone else should have wrote this movie.

Matt (01:07:26):

And my mom is on her fourth husband. She’s a romantic. Are you a romantic? She says, “I study English lit. I kind of have to beg.” And then he’s like, “You know what? I have to terminate this dialogue. Sorry.” And she’s like, “Wait, why?” And he’s like, “I don’t do romance. Oh, and a bike nearly swipes her and he saves her from that. Get out of the way of that. Get out of that way of that bike.”

Laci (01:07:45):

I don’t do romance, but I do do really possessive shit where the thing I like can’t die.

Matt (01:07:52):

I’m not the man for you. Stay away from me.

Laci (01:07:55):

I’m dangerous, Bella. I will never be romance.

Matt (01:07:59):

We’re just going to watch it.

Speaker 3 (01:08:02):

I’m not the man for you.

Laci (01:08:05):

Plus your hair is weird. Sorry.

Matt (01:08:10):

I have to let you go.

Speaker 3 (01:08:14):

I want it to kill you. I’ve never wanted a human’s blood so much in my life. I trust you. Don’t.

Laci (01:08:31):

Let’s go watch that.

Matt (01:08:32):

Sometimes these ladies, they’re just attracted to the bad guys. There’s nothing they can do.

Laci (01:08:37):

They want to be the old … They want to be picked. That is where pick me comes from. That’s what it

Matt (01:08:42):

Means.

Laci (01:08:43):

Yes, love. It’s how can I be not like other girls? How can I fit in so much to your personality, to your life, to not what you think girls are, not the kind of woman you’ve ever had before. I’ll be whatever’s different from that. Pick me.

Matt (01:09:01):

So the story of this movie, which I only figured out the second time I watched it, because it’s a day later, I’ve now watched it again. I’m here

Laci (01:09:08):

To help love.

Matt (01:09:09):

The story of this movie is you’re making me normal and I resent it.

Laci (01:09:13):

Yeah.

Matt (01:09:14):

And that’s stupid.

Laci (01:09:15):

Yeah.

Matt (01:09:15):

That sucks.

Laci (01:09:17):

He’s built up all these walls, Matt, to protect himself. He’s been cigarette burned.

Matt (01:09:21):

But that’s what every woman wants is they want to turn a weird guy normal.

Laci (01:09:25):

Except for the 15 he’s had in his life before. What were they like? Come on, Christian. Let’s go to the playround. I got to get a facial after. Ah. What were they? Yeah,

Matt (01:09:42):

They weren’t special enough. They lacked her certain whatever that made him want to say, “You know what? No playroom tonight. Instead, let’s eat some ice cream and Netflix and chill.” Okay. So he fucking sends her some … So he tells her, “Stay away from me. I’m a monster.” The first of many times he’ll say that to her. And then immediately he’s like, “But I sent you some first editions of some novels because you love literature.”

Laci (01:10:05):

All right. But in my head I was like, he could have already done that before the coffee date. Well, they’re not good at the timeline thing. She’s bummed and then that happened. So are you telling me he found first edition bullshit and the period that took you to get home and be sad about your date and then got them delivered to you also? What?

Matt (01:10:25):

And when does he work? So now they’re like, “Hey, we’re college girls. It’s time to go party tonight. Yeah, we’re going to party.” And Anastasia, everybody sit down, she gets drunk. Oh my God. And like Miles Raymond from Sideways, she drinks and dials. Christian, hi body, what’s up? Has so listened and he’s like, “Anastasia, what are you doing? Have you been drinking alcoholic beverages?” And she’s like- What kind of-

Laci (01:10:51):

What kind of universities do you attend? Drinky, drink, university? Bad. And

Matt (01:10:56):

She’s like, “Hey, you’re so bossy. Hey, shut up. I’m going to come rescue you from the drinking.”

Laci (01:11:01):

I’m not just bossy. I’m also a yeller who has a car that’s fast and I live right down the street. She

Matt (01:11:07):

Doesn’t even tell him where she is. He just uses his dark night surveillance network to find her and he does and he shows up. I’m here, but not before her Jacob guy. This does take the subtext away from Jacob and just makes him a predator.

Laci (01:11:21):

Yeah, because he’s just nice guy who’s been edging around her like, “I wish I had the nerve.” She literally thinks of you as a brother. Ouch. So you’re not putting that vibe off at all. Don’t you wish we had the nerve to do this when we were sober. Here we go.

Matt (01:11:39):

Yeah, he literally says- We’ll

Laci (01:11:41):

Never do this.

Matt (01:11:42):

I think I would be too nervous another time to tell you this, but I really like you and want to kiss you. So he’s literally like, “You’re drunk. Now’s my opportunity.”

Laci (01:11:49):

But he’s drunk too, so it does put it a little bit less.

Matt (01:11:53):

But yeah,

Laci (01:11:53):

It’s not cute.

Matt (01:11:54):

But Edward, I’m sorry, Christian interview. Hey, get off of her, you scum.

Laci (01:11:58):

That needs to calm down because now she owes him an apology. I think she owes Kissy McGee apology.

Matt (01:12:04):

She does?

Laci (01:12:06):

She got him in a situation. That’s not normal for that guy to push him like that and be like, “Get off of her crib. I know him. You don’t need to treat my friend like this. I just met you yesterday.

Matt (01:12:19):

Well, she punishes him back by throwing up on his napkin or whatever. His hanky. And then she says the one funny line in the movie, she says, “I will launder this

Laci (01:12:33):

Item.” And then they’re so in each other’s faces after the throw up and I think he even fucking kisses her. That’s fucking nasty. She’s talking at him the whole time. She doesn’t go brush her teeth and then she wakes up in the bed after having thrown up the night before, does not brush teeth, drinks orange juice and then they kiss. That’s fucking sick.

Matt (01:12:54):

They need to work this out in the negotiations. But yeah, I mean, this is a thing in movies and TV that always upsets Laci is when people wake up in the morning and either they start kissing someone else, something me and Laci have done thousands of times, never seems to object to it then and this does weird me out is when somebody wakes up in bed and then someone else hands them a cup of coffee or orange juice.

Laci (01:13:13):

It doesn’t bother me.

Matt (01:13:15):

I’m saying that bothers me. It’s weird. Let me go brush my teeth. I want coffee as soon as I wake up. But now also, hey, meet my brother, Elliot. He’s like a cool guy and he’s going to be with your room again.

Laci (01:13:29):

He seems like he might be a con artist. He seems like he might be the scary person because he’s instantly just in there dancing with my roommate all over her. Now he’s in love with her for some reason or is he keeping tabs on your best friend for me? Oh my God. It’s weird. There’s no earning them dating. That seems like a one night stand for sure.

Matt (01:13:50):

They seem like they’re having so much fun. They do. All of this just seems like it’s like-

Laci (01:13:54):

It’s so rushed.

Matt (01:13:56):

But that’s what happens in Twilight, so it’s got to happen here. She’s got to pair up with another vampire. Yeah. Next morning wakes up in the hotel suite, doesn’t remember anything. She wakes up alone. There’s like a goblet full of pills and there’s a sign that says eat me and an orange juice labeled drink me. Which

Laci (01:14:10):

I think is funny because he’s doing an English lit reference. Alice in Wonderland that’s eat me, drink me is what she wakes up to.

Matt (01:14:19):

You think that’s what that is? I

Laci (01:14:20):

Know that’s what it is.

Matt (01:14:21):

How do you know that’s what it is?

Laci (01:14:22):

Because I know Christian.

Matt (01:14:24):

Okay. I

Laci (01:14:24):

Know him so well.

Matt (01:14:25):

It seems like you do. And then he comes in and- Look

Laci (01:14:27):

It up. Instead of just doubting me over there, Mr. Dowding Mustaf.

Matt (01:14:33):

And then he comes in, he’s like, “I’ve just been on my morning run. I am returned. How are you feeling?” She’s like, “I know better than I deserve.”

Laci (01:14:39):

Yeah. Ouch. Ew. What the fuck does that mean?

Matt (01:14:42):

After my great sin of consumption of alcohol

Laci (01:14:44):

This night. I don’t know that that’s why she feels bad. I don’t know what’s the problem. I can’t tell why she’s upset. Is she embarrassed? Is she mad at him? She should be mad at him.

Matt (01:14:58):

If there were one second of her being like, “It’s very weird that you heard I got drunk in public and came to get me. That’s weird.”

Laci (01:15:04):

Doesn’t she say

Matt (01:15:05):

Something?

Laci (01:15:07):

Doesn’t she say something?

Matt (01:15:08):

No. What she does, she’s like, “You undressed me? ” And he’s like, “Yeah, I didn’t have a choice and I slept in the bed with you, but we didn’t have sex because necrophilia isn’t my thing.” And he says, “You shouldn’t have gotten drunk last night. I’m all for testing the limits, but you put yourself at risk last

Laci (01:15:24):

Night.” I’m all for testing the limits. What fuck does that mean? Like biohacking? What?

Matt (01:15:33):

I mean, he’s alluding to sexual exploration. Oh,

Laci (01:15:37):

Right, right. I forgot. He’s Mr. Innuendo the entire time until you finally get the fuck her

Matt (01:15:42):

Calm down. He’s a synabite. I put hooks through my nipples and suspend myself from the ceiling. If

Laci (01:15:47):

You were mine, you wouldn’t be sitting for a week.

Matt (01:15:53):

Yeah, you put yourself at risk last night. It was like you were 22 years old and went out to a bar.

Laci (01:15:58):

And maybe you’re celebrating the fact that you just graduated or about to.

Matt (01:16:02):

So he gets on the bed with her and eats toast straight out of her hand.

Laci (01:16:07):

Like a beard. And

Matt (01:16:08):

He says, “I’m incapable of leaving you alone.” And she says, “Don’t.”

Laci (01:16:13):

She says, “Then don’t.”

Matt (01:16:14):

But he says, “I don’t do romance. My tastes are very singular. You wouldn’t understand.”

Laci (01:16:20):

It’s almost like it’s blood.

Matt (01:16:22):

Enlighten me then. And he’s like, “Okay, we’re going to have to kidnap a very frightened child.”

Laci (01:16:28):

You still in? And

Matt (01:16:29):

She’s like, “Yeah.” And he looks at her lip and he’s like, “I’d like to bite that lip.” And she says, “I’d like that too.”

Laci (01:16:34):

Okay. Quit breathing in his face.

Matt (01:16:36):

But he says, “I’m not going to touch you till I have your written consent.” But then in the elevator’s like, “Screw the contract.” And they start kissing her off. And you

Laci (01:16:43):

Know she didn’t brush her teeth. She doesn’t live at this hotel. She’s

Matt (01:16:47):

A baby. She hasn’t learned how to be alive yet, just unplugged from her test tube. And so then, yeah, he’s like-

Laci (01:16:53):

Fuck did test tubes work.

Matt (01:16:56):

Not enough time to get into it, but he’s like, “Hey, listen, it’s swelled. I’ll hang out with you last night. Email me sometime. And you know this movie was written by a 45-year-old because she’s like, but my computer’s broken, so I can’t email.” But she gets- My

Laci (01:17:10):

Computer it’s down. I told you. He says, “Will you have my phone number? Call me. ” I don’t fucking know what he says. These screenshots aren’t super helpful to me because he’s rich, they’re constantly getting on something that flies.

Matt (01:17:26):

That’s another thing, like summing up this movie, making my notes, it’s so strangely edited because they are constantly leaving each other and arriving at each other, but they’re always with each other. You would need them to not be together for stretches for any of that to mean anything,

Laci (01:17:41):

But

Matt (01:17:41):

It’s always, “I’m sad to leave you, ” and then immediately walks back into the house.

Laci (01:17:46):

Right. And Twilight, you think it’s full of those, but it makes you wait.

Matt (01:17:50):

They’re separated.

Laci (01:17:51):

Yes. There’s all kinds of stuff that Bella does on her own.

Matt (01:17:54):

Yeah. This is the Mario game where you get to the end of the screen and then just reappear on the other side of the screen.

Laci (01:18:01):

Yo made a joke about you not liking me and then I just appeared in your apartment. Isn’t that crazy?

Matt (01:18:06):

Yeah. Okay, now it’s date night and he picks her up in a helicopter. You get in my helicopter now. Yes, that’s right. I fly and I’m 27 years old. I learned how to fly take it to Jurassic Park, I

Laci (01:18:20):

Guess. You’re like rollercoaster’s motherfucker.

Matt (01:18:25):

You better. So he goes to his little penthouse in Seattle and has a grand piano. You play just so I play.

Laci (01:18:33):

Of course

Matt (01:18:33):

You

Laci (01:18:34):

Do.

Matt (01:18:34):

Yeah. Smart and deep and sophisticated, but then he puts a non-disclosure-

Laci (01:18:38):

Well, she rolls her eyes though. Of course you do. You’re perfect.

Matt (01:18:42):

Puts a non-disclosure agreement in front of her and she immediately signs it and she says, “Are you going to make love to me now?” And here’s what he says today.

Laci (01:18:50):

Two things, baby.

Matt (01:18:52):

What? Number one.

Laci (01:18:54):

I don’t make love. I fuck and I fuck hard. Are those the two things?

Matt (01:18:59):

That’s one thing.

Laci (01:19:00):

Okay. Number two, sign this waiver.

Matt (01:19:03):

That’s the second thing. It’s like, let me show you to my … Let me show you to my sex dungeon.

Laci (01:19:11):

Please just call it sex dungeon. Don’t call it playroom. Don’t bring your baby to the playroom.

Matt (01:19:17):

I know. I know. It’s also Epstein. It’s gross. But he’s like, “Here, come to my playroom.” He’s

Laci (01:19:22):

Fucking seesaw. There’s a swing.

Matt (01:19:25):

There’s a

Laci (01:19:26):

Place for a nap.

Matt (01:19:26):

There’s an iPad. There’s even an iPad with Cut the Rope on it. And he’s like, “This is where I have all of my fun.” And she’s like, “What? You play Xbox and stuff.”

Speaker 3 (01:19:37):

Stop.

Matt (01:19:38):

And he’s like, “No, nothing like that. Come, come in. ” And because he’s rich and this was 2015, he operates the room with an iPad. Yes, he does. Oh,

Laci (01:19:48):

Well, he doesn’t enter it with an iPad. Okay.

Matt (01:19:50):

And it’s like, “What’s all this? ” And it’s some fucking flogging shit and feathers and …

Laci (01:19:55):

A lot of cuffs, a lot of bed, a lot of red.

Matt (01:19:59):

I was not that impressed. I don’t know. Well,

Laci (01:20:01):

You don’t really get to give a good look around, but you see the fucking elephant trunk thing I was talking

Matt (01:20:08):

About. Oh, you weren’t just pulling that out of her. No,

Laci (01:20:10):

That tusk is there. But it might be a flogging thing. It just, to me, it looks like an ivory dildo.

Matt (01:20:16):

Let’s just assume that is and great touch. Yes, he did hunt and illegally kill a precious elephant. Yes.

Laci (01:20:20):

He poached and now he’s going to put that into a person. It’s person sized.

Matt (01:20:27):

Yeah. So he’s like, “Here’s the thing about me. I’m not normal. This is what I’m into.”

Laci (01:20:33):

All 50 shades of fucked up.

Matt (01:20:35):

Oh no.

Laci (01:20:36):

I know that’s later,

Matt (01:20:38):

Man.That’s the most beautiful moment.

Laci (01:20:40):

Fuck no.

Matt (01:20:42):

So just a bunch of whips and feathers and she’s like crossing her arms.

Laci (01:20:48):

Okay. Okay. But she’s being a nice little pick me and she’s walking through and she’s touching things. She doesn’t just turn. This is what a person would do. No thank you helicopter please. And that’s before we get in the fucking room. Okay. But then she sees the room and we know where red playrooms go. They go to you dying. So then that’s when you leave, but not Anna. She walks through and she picks up things curiously. That’s a flogger. That’s a 72, 50 inch feather conductor right there and she got there.

Matt (01:21:22):

Don’t make him like this anymore.

Laci (01:21:23):

She just keeps picking up stuff and be like curious. She’s so interesting.

Matt (01:21:29):

You’re a sadist. I’m a dominant. What does that mean?

Laci (01:21:34):

I Sadie’s the submissive.

Matt (01:21:37):

So I would do shit to you and you’d like it. When I get out of it and he’s like, “You’d get me. “

Laci (01:21:44):

I mean, I did write down, if this is truly their sex life and this is forever, he is creating the most boring sex partner. She has all sex with her hands tied. He doesn’t like to be touched. This woman won’t know how to give a blowjob, doesn’t know how to ride a dick, doesn’t know how to fucking dance, doesn’t know how to 69 for Christ’s sake. What are they on to 69?

Matt (01:22:08):

That’s the thing. I mean-

Laci (01:22:09):

He’s creating a baby that fucks.

Matt (01:22:12):

I did read some of the sex scenes in the book. They are more explicit. These are the limitations of a movie where you cannot get an NC17 so you can’t say, but it’s like-

Laci (01:22:21):

I just feel like he’s making veal. I feel like he’s got a cow and a cage and her head’s out so he can stick his dick in it, but she’s not allowed to use any of her muscles. I didn’t think of that. So she can’t be any good at anything outside of this. She still might as well be a virgin. When are you going to suspend me from this ceiling for long? She goes into this knowing nothing. She leaves knowing something useless, like he taught her ping pong. Thanks. Everyone who’s in love with ping pong is going to love me now.

Matt (01:22:52):

So he’s like, well, you’ll get me out of it. We should get some sense of why she would be intrigued by any of this. And instead what it goes to is, “Well, this is an excellent opportunity for you to explore your sexuality. What sorts of things have you liked with your past sexual partners?” She’s like, “I’ve never had sex.”

Laci (01:23:12):

I wouldn’t even know how to answer that.

Matt (01:23:15):

And he’s like, “Wait, what? You’ve done some stuff, right? No.”

Laci (01:23:20):

I don’t even know where it’s at. I poop out the front.

Matt (01:23:26):

It’s my mouth, my butt.

Laci (01:23:30):

I keep waiting on my period, but noth comes out.

Matt (01:23:33):

All I get is a question mark. You’ve never even had sex? Why not? I’ve just been waiting for the right guy.

Laci (01:23:39):

Guys must be all of you. Not the ones I want to be all over me, just dad and then three stepdad.

Matt (01:23:47):

And so what they do is he’s like, “Well, let’s change that. ” Then they just have some missionary sex.

Laci (01:23:53):

I kind of like that he wants her first time to just be more conventional.

Matt (01:23:57):

You got to ask something to compare it to. Yeah. Here’s

Laci (01:24:00):

Bed sex,

Matt (01:24:01):

Okay? Constipated bed sex. You don’t want her gossiping with the gals at school and be like, “You know how when you’ll have sex and you’ll get tied up upside down and blindfolded sensory deprivation take for 36 hours. You know that thing.

Laci (01:24:13):

She signed it in DA, Matt. She’s not allowed to even talk about this.

Matt (01:24:15):

She didn’t say who. So yeah, they have some bed sex as Laci says. I’m

Laci (01:24:24):

Sorry. It works for me. Although I do need to know if she washed up.

Matt (01:24:30):

If she washed up.

Laci (01:24:30):

Her vagina is in such a state all the time. She’s moving all day long and then he eats her out. We don’t know each other like that yet. Okay. The

Matt (01:24:41):

Next morning he says, let’s clean you up. So I think he is thinking that.

Laci (01:24:45):

Oh. And her bush is crazy. I mean, I appreciate that there is a bush though.

Matt (01:24:49):

Yeah, there’s some healthy amounts of bush in this movie. It’s a

Laci (01:24:51):

Perfectly square big bush.

Matt (01:24:54):

I don’t know which version Laci watched because there’s an unrated version and a rated version.

Laci (01:24:58):

I watched the Netflix

Matt (01:24:59):

One. I don’t know which one’s on Netflix.

Laci (01:25:01):

What the fuck were you watching?

Matt (01:25:03):

The one on Voodoo. Rude. I didn’t want us to be- Rude. I stop at one place, then you started a different place. Yeah, that’s

Laci (01:25:11):

What our profiles are for. Okay? So no, you wanted to be more educated than me as

Matt (01:25:17):

Usual.This is all written by a baby reigned weirdo who’s like, you cannot fathom of a character type other than The Virgin, a 15 year old Bella Swan, who knows nothing. And I’ve never had any sex. I’m waiting for a good boy. But it is filmed very erotically and it is some of the most exciting stuff in the movie is just the sex scenes because I think Sam Taylor Johnson, the director, she just does the solid job of filming some sex and these are both attractive people and you get a lot of nudity.

Laci (01:25:44):

Boy, do you? But not any dick. Just some top dick.

Matt (01:25:48):

You get a little bit of top dick, yes.

Laci (01:25:50):

Whoop dew. But every time they’re finished having sex, she walks out. He fucks her to sleep every single time. And then she comes out in her white, whatever it is, it’s either white shirt and shorts or this bedding and just, “What are you doing? We’re not having sex anymore.” “Oh, we’re having sex again. “That’s all they do.

Matt (01:26:13):

I like that. I think that’s hot. I know you do. Well, yeah. So he explains like, ” If you sign my contract, you’ll live in this house three nights a week. This will be your bedroom. I’ll never sleep with you. I’ll fuck you and you’ll go to sleep and then you’ll wake up and you’ll be like.

Laci (01:26:27):

“Because

Matt (01:26:27):

He

Laci (01:26:27):

Gives her a quailud right before they start in the fucking dungeon. Why is she always so tired? Bill Cosby?

Matt (01:26:34):

When she wakes up, she hears …

Laci (01:26:36):

Tingle, tingle,

Matt (01:26:37):

Ting. Beautiful music.

Laci (01:26:39):

No, she’s just scared and bored in a fucking mansion. Oh, is there another person here?

Matt (01:26:44):

Yeah.

Laci (01:26:45):

I keep waking up in beds.

Matt (01:26:48):

He’s at the grand piano. He’s like, ” Tam, down, right, sing the song. “She disrobes and he’s like, ” Well, fact. “He’s like, ” Yeah, it goes.

Laci (01:26:58):

“She gets on top here, but then he picks her up immediately and goes,” No, you’re a little baby. I carry you.

Matt (01:27:03):

“They wake up together. He broke his rule already.

Laci (01:27:06):

Immediately.

Matt (01:27:07):

Already

Laci (01:27:08):

Changing. They are lightning speed through this fucking his evolution.

Matt (01:27:14):

And the movie now Beast of Burden by the Rolling Stones place, so the movie tricks me into liking it.

Laci (01:27:18):

It does have a lot of needle drops and they’re good.

Matt (01:27:21):

And here’s what he says, the electric chemistry between these two. You’re very energetic this morning. She’s like, ” I am making pancakes.

Laci (01:27:28):

“Hang guy.

Matt (01:27:29):

Then they eat them. Now it’s time to wash you. Let’s get in the tub, and he washes her.

Laci (01:27:34):

She really is a baby. It’s time for a tubby.

Matt (01:27:37):

Is this time for tummy time? Strengthen your upper core.

Laci (01:27:44):

He just rolls her over. She’s just trying to watch TV. It’s tummy time.

Matt (01:27:49):

He puts on sprout.

Laci (01:27:52):

I was watching the real world.

Matt (01:27:56):

When he’s at the piano, he has the baby monitor with the heart rate, heartbeat thing. Oh no, she’s not breathing. Oh, there she goes again.

Laci (01:28:07):

Monitor. Okay.

Matt (01:28:11):

Sounds

Laci (01:28:12):

Good.

Matt (01:28:13):

So they get out of the tub, heats up some formula for her and then he’s like, ” It’s time to fuck again. Yes. “And so

Laci (01:28:20):

Mommy?

Matt (01:28:21):

Yeah, but then they’re fucking and then because these are actually children, these are actually teenagers like, ” Oh no, my mom’s here. Good. And it’s Marsha Gayheart and she does the exact same thing she does in the first wives club and comes in at the wrong time. Hey babe, I’m here for the hotel. I’m here at your house, Christian. “And he’s like, ” Mom, go. “She’s in this weird … She’s speaking with a fancy accent. She’s like, ” Oh yes, my name is Dr. Gray. And please remember to call me mama instead of mother.

Laci (01:28:53):

“Okay. All I did was leave for a quick second. I walked away just to get something off my desk and in that moment I missed … What I came back to was her walking out and saying,” Hi. “In my head I would think he’d be like, ” Do not come out. We’re not talking to my mom. “Did that not happen?

Matt (01:29:11):

No. All he says is- Because he’s so

Laci (01:29:12):

Chill with it.

Matt (01:29:12):

Okay. He’s like, ” Hey, get dressed. Come out, meet my mom. “He

Laci (01:29:16):

Says that?

Matt (01:29:17):

I don’t think he says it, but he does not say,” Stay in here. “It does kind of have those vibes, but then she comes out and everything’s fine.

Laci (01:29:23):

Well, I don’t know because I don’t trust Christian yet, right? So I’m waiting for it to … And he’s like, ” That was a first for her. She’s very excited. John’s excited too. That’s good.

Matt (01:29:32):

What you just suggested is like, yeah, that would add some attention and friction to this story.

Laci (01:29:37):

“Some menace for her to think about.

Matt (01:29:41):

What’s going on here? Everything’s normal except that he likes to give me a baba.

Laci (01:29:48):

But I wrote, he looks like a young Patrick Swayze the whole time. That all I saw. And then he puts on this leather jacket. I’m like, ” Stop it, Swayze.

Matt (01:29:57):

“They go for a walk in the woods almost like their vampires Or something. Almost like

Laci (01:30:01):

He’s a swayze.

Matt (01:30:02):

She’s like, “How did she get this way where you’re dominant?” And he’s like, “When I was 15…” Wait, what is he? When I was 15, my mother’s friend started ritually abusing me.

Laci (01:30:15):

Yeah. I was a sub for six years.

Matt (01:30:18):

But by giving up control, I felt free. I felt safe. You will too. You’ll see.

Laci (01:30:21):

That’s called grooming.

Matt (01:30:24):

I know I already said this, but the idea of letting someone else control you is an appealing thing. So you probably have to set up she is stressed out, that she feels overwhelmed by her life.

Laci (01:30:40):

Right, right. That she has an indecision problem.

Matt (01:30:43):

But

Laci (01:30:44):

She seems to be fine. She’s

Matt (01:30:46):

Fine. She’s doing great.

Laci (01:30:46):

Yeah. She’s got a job. She’s graduating college. She already has plans to move to Seattle, what to do next. She’s not like, “Oh, should I go visit my mom? Should I go live with there to go visit Papa?” Nothing. No, I know. He completely interrupts her life and her weekends and everything. She just disappears for three days at a time and that’s totally fine.

Matt (01:31:06):

Just bump their ages up 10 years and it makes a lot more sense.

Laci (01:31:10):

I guess, but then he’s even more intrusive and that roommate should be way more fucking suspicious.

Matt (01:31:17):

I think you’re right. I think he’s got his guy on the inside to take care of her. She

Laci (01:31:22):

Feels plugged in enough. I went to brunch.

Matt (01:31:25):

So yeah, she’s like, she was your Mrs. Robinson.

Laci (01:31:28):

I’ll tell her who said that. She’ll think that’s funny. You still talk to her? We’re friends. I bounce things off of her. My balls.

Matt (01:31:36):

Credit to the movie for not explaining who Mrs. Robinson is. The reference to the graduate, I guess, but remember this was written by a 45-year-old who-

Laci (01:31:44):

Who

Matt (01:31:44):

Would

Laci (01:31:44):

Never assume anyone could have ever not known what that is.

Matt (01:31:47):

Yeah. But yeah, no, I mean, he’s talking in code. I was recruited into the agency by when I was 15, got abused for six years. You still meet with her? Oh yeah. We have secret safe houses where we meet. In

Laci (01:31:59):

Fact, she’s my only friend because you’re going to go to se your mom. That’s going to make me super cheered and then I’m going to go have lunch with her or dinner.

Matt (01:32:07):

Weren’t you? I mean, I was expecting the reveal to be like it was Marsha Gay Harden who was this today because adopted mom.

Laci (01:32:15):

They don’t reveal it.

Matt (01:32:16):

They don’t reveal it. I then went to read the fan Wiki to see, so what’s the actual deal with

Laci (01:32:20):

It? Matt, I’m going to watch the rest of the movies.

Matt (01:32:22):

Well, I just said that it’s not his mom who abused him, so that’s all. Yeah.

Laci (01:32:25):

So you kicked that off the table. No, she seemed too happy he had someone. Yeah, I wouldn’t have guessed. Also, we need the elder vampire to exist. So in my head, Mrs. Robinson’s like the Veltori.

Matt (01:32:42):

So he gives her a big fat contract. Read this over, think about the language. We’ll negotiate. Okay, goodbye. She goes inside to her house and a guy with a uniform that says Corporate Systems is setting up her MacBook. Yeah, totally not sus. MacBook, the easiest computer of all time. I’m just setting this up for you, lady.

Laci (01:32:58):

Boop, boop. Yeah. This goes in this hole and you plug into the wall.

Matt (01:33:04):

Yeah. And the webcam light, yeah it’s always on. That’s what’s normal about it. And

Laci (01:33:09):

This email that you have to use, this email system that … And I made you your own email, by the way, it only goes like one of those watches that you can only call your mom or dad. It only goes to Christian. That’s why we’re going to use it like Aim.

Matt (01:33:24):

There’s footage of her just staring at her computer screen and the only thing on it is her email and it’s three emails all from Christian. That’s all her computer is, is just like, “Christian. This is my Christian machine. Christian.” Yeah. He’s like, “Sometimes you’ll notice your mouse cursor will just move around the computer.” That’s totally normal. Don’t worry about it. Pected. But the major difference from the book is the book is so much fucking email between the two of them. It’s so boring. All right. Now they’re moving over to Seattle and they’re exchanging emails and he’s like, “Have you given thought to the contract?” She’s like, “I don’t know. I’m just not sure.” He’s like, “Well, do some research.” So in the most laugh out loud, hysterical moment in the movie, she does a Google search just like Twilight.

Laci (01:34:09):

Yes. And then slams

Matt (01:34:09):

The computer down.

Laci (01:34:11):

Yes. And then she finds some pictures.

Matt (01:34:13):

I went to internet.com and searched submissives and then saw diagrams. Oh no. And then did you say she slaps? She shot some circuits. Got to do that.

Laci (01:34:23):

And that’s when she makes that crazy joke. He says, “Did you do your research?” And she said, “I did. It was nice knowing you. ” And then he just fucking shows up.

Matt (01:34:33):

It was nice knowing me.

Laci (01:34:35):

She cracks a little smile.

Matt (01:34:39):

She does a lot of silly things in the movie and I don’t think it ever gives any indication that he likes it.

Laci (01:34:45):

Like when she starts dancing funny. Yeah, he allows it. But then I think too, well, I dance funny in front of Matt and he allows it. People are silly. People like silly people without liking their silliness. I think it’s rude. I don’t think you should.

Matt (01:35:04):

I don’t know how to respond to that. Fuck. I’m not like Christian, okay? Oh,

Laci (01:35:10):

That’s right. You don’t dance at all.

Matt (01:35:12):

So she Googles submissives and now we have another sex scene where he blindfolds her and uses ice on her nipples.

Laci (01:35:19):

Again, the most basic shit I learned when I was in high school that cool whip, chocolate sauce and ice. You ever given anybody a fucking snowplower? I don’t remember what it’s called. You blow them with ice in your mouth and it’s like-

Matt (01:35:34):

What snowplow?

Laci (01:35:35):

You make it harder to have a good time. I mean the nipple went fine, but it’s like, well, then it’s going to just fall over and then the bed’s wet. What are we doing?

Matt (01:35:46):

So afterward they’re laying together and she’s like, “That was really nice.” And he’s like,

Laci (01:35:51):

“Tummy time.” He flips. She takes out the little arch that’s got a rattle and a mirror and puts it over and goes, “Okay, I’ll see you in two days when I pop in. “

Matt (01:36:04):

Practice with the crinkle. Oh, you’re overstimulated. I’m going to take the crinkle away. Only

Laci (01:36:16):

Look at black and white objects.

Matt (01:36:20):

That was really nice. What are you doing to me? Oh no.

Laci (01:36:24):

Because she strokes his face and they have yet to learn the … They’ve yet to lay down the foundation that he does not allow her to touch him. We learned it there. Can’t even crest his face. Can’t even touch his chest. He gets up like, “No.”

Matt (01:36:42):

And in just basic storytelling terms, you would need to be told that first so that then when- When

Laci (01:36:48):

It

Matt (01:36:48):

Happens. Oh, he’s sleeping in bed with her. Oh, okay. Yes. Okay.

Laci (01:36:51):

The sleeping in bed thing, I knew that that was something. Letting him off. It happens immediately. Yeah, there’s no buildup. They have places to go. We’ve got a fucking Five Nights of Freddie, what’s it called? Fortnite. Nope. What is it called with the masks? Eyes wide shut. We have an Eyes Wide Shut party to get to and part two.

Matt (01:37:10):

You do?

Laci (01:37:11):

Oh yeah. We got to get going.

Matt (01:37:15):

Are you making a joke or are you noticed? No,

Laci (01:37:16):

No, that’s the cover of the movie is them at the party in a masquerade.

Matt (01:37:20):

I figured they’re still just doing boring stuff in their bedroom.

Laci (01:37:22):

No, there’s a crowd behind him.

Matt (01:37:24):

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Laci (01:37:24):

That’s interesting. We’re opening this up. It better fucking be or it’s not. They’re just chasing each other in these masks in his fucking penthouse. You’re used to …

Matt (01:37:39):

So she’s like, “I have some issues with the contract. Let’s have a business meeting.” And he’s like, “All right, sure.” So Gislaine Maxwells lead her into a conference room and they start negotiating and this is the best scene in the movie. It is the most visually interesting scene in the movie and I think it’s the sexiest scene in the movie and it’s a funny scene. It’s like the one idea the movie has in its entirety is like, okay, we’ll have them say really lewd things, but they’ll be saying it like

Speaker 3 (01:38:07):

Their business people. Turn to page five appendix three, soft limits.

Laci (01:38:13):

With you.

Speaker 3 (01:38:14):

Find anal fisting.

Laci (01:38:16):

I’m

Speaker 3 (01:38:17):

All ears. Strike it out. Strike out vaginal fisting too.

Laci (01:38:27):

Are you sure?

Speaker 3 (01:38:28):

Yep. Same page. Is the use of sex toys acceptable to the submissive, vibrators okay, dildos, fine. Genital clamps? Absolutely not.

Laci (01:38:42):

Consider them gone.

Speaker 3 (01:38:46):

What are butt plugs?

Laci (01:38:48):

Come on. Of all the things, everyone knows what a butt plug is.

Matt (01:38:52):

You’re 27 years old or whatever. Come on one butt plug. But

Laci (01:38:56):

You knew what genital clamps are.

Matt (01:38:58):

Yeah.

Laci (01:38:59):

I mean, I know they’re kind of distraught, butt plug is also self-descriptive. It plugs your butt bell.

Matt (01:39:07):

Yeah. Bella.

Laci (01:39:07):

Bella.

Matt (01:39:08):

Come on, Bella. But they do all of this and he’s like, “Okay, fine. No anal fisting. By the way, I’m very pleased. I’m very impressed with the way you’re handling this business meeting.”

Laci (01:39:17):

Kind of like an adult. Are you being mommy today? Hi, I’m mama. And she’s wearing big heels. Oh, business meetings. She’s wearing big heels are really big.

Matt (01:39:27):

Clank, clank, clank. I got your cell phone, don’t you? And it’s a plastic phone. And as a sweetener, I’d like to throw in once a week we’ll just do a normal date. We’ll go to the movies or- It’s for you

Laci (01:39:39):

Though.

Matt (01:39:40):

Go ice skating.

Laci (01:39:41):

Yeah, it’s not for me. I think it’s stupid. It’s for you. And

Matt (01:39:44):

Then he says, that didn’t occur to me. You’re right. Yeah, that’s him being turned once again. Yes.

Laci (01:39:51):

Wait,

Matt (01:39:51):

Is

Laci (01:39:52):

He becoming an unvampire? Is that the twist of this movie? I think so. He ends up opening a bakery with her or some bullshit. I’m just guessing.

Matt (01:40:02):

Good job with this business negotiation. I would now like to fuck you into the middle of next week. And so then they start from across the table, they’re like, “Yes, and then I would receive your dick and my pussy.” He’s like, “Yeah, and then I’d choke the shit out of you and come in your fucking puddle.” In your shoes. Come in your shoes. And it is the sexiest scene in the movie because it is them talking about the sex they are not to have on this table. But they don’t have

Laci (01:40:24):

It.

Matt (01:40:24):

All right. See you later.

Laci (01:40:25):

Well, Annie says that she’s naked under a dress and I’m like, “Oh, she’s naked under,” because that works for me too.

Matt (01:40:30):

Yeah, but we’re all naked under our dresses.

Laci (01:40:32):

That’s not true.

Matt (01:40:34):

It is fundamentally if you think about

Laci (01:40:36):

It. Mat, come on, you know that’s not what he means.

Matt (01:40:40):

Everyone has kinks. It’s good to talk with your partner. Have an open dialogue.

Laci (01:40:45):

Have an open one.

Matt (01:40:48):

Figure out what you’re- Busted,

Laci (01:40:49):

Wide open.

Matt (01:40:49):

Everyone’s got … Listener, figure out your kinks with your partner. Have a business meeting. Now, one of the problems is- Everybody

Laci (01:40:56):

Needs a kink. It’s a thing that the people think.

Matt (01:41:03):

One of the issues is you might not be able to figure it out just by thinking about it.

Laci (01:41:06):

No, I had to figure out mine through lots of trial and error or actually just trial and success.

Matt (01:41:13):

Wouldn’t want to see those errors. Oh no.

Laci (01:41:18):

I was wrong about the balloons.

Matt (01:41:21):

Did I really kill that girl, Matt?

Laci (01:41:24):

I thought it’d be good. This is a great still shot.

Matt (01:41:29):

What are you looking at, Laci?

Laci (01:41:30):

Well, Matt, she’s been a bad girl during graduation. I don’t know. It just has graduation on here. And

Matt (01:41:36):

He’s

Laci (01:41:36):

In her apartment and at any minute the fucking roommate can walk in and he’s got her over his knee and pulled up her dress for a spanking. I do not remember why. All

Matt (01:41:48):

Right, I’ll tell you. So it’s graduation. Remember, he’s giving the keynote address.

Laci (01:41:53):

By the time that’s happening, I’m already so bored of him. Meaning, is this supposed to be exciting? Because I feel it’s intrusive. Why are you at my graduation, Christian? And also you’re holding me up on stage about

Matt (01:42:07):

This? And we get to hear a little bit of it and it’s not like, and you’re the future. And remember, and here’s lessons. Instead, he’s talking about innovation, optimization. Opportunity. Yeah. And he’s talking about his efforts in Africa and stuff.

Laci (01:42:22):

Right.

Matt (01:42:23):

Your dad-He’s just a marketing pantry. Your

Laci (01:42:24):

Dad traveled all this way and I’m going to immediately take you.

Matt (01:42:27):

And yeah, her dad, Callum Keith Renny from Battlestar Galactica is like not … She has just two shitty parents who are like, “Oh, this totally normal relationship you have right now. Great. Damn, fine to meet you, Mr. Gray. Take good care of my little girl.”

Laci (01:42:43):

Because I mean, you hit the jackpot. Fucking capitalism is even worse than a vampire. You’re not just going to sell your soul. I won’t even think of it as you doing that because you’ll just do charity like him, right?

Matt (01:42:56):

Even if it’s not him being a billionaire, isn’t it a little …

Laci (01:43:00):

Whatever. I’m telling you, it’s because he’s a billionaire that he gets to do this with the parents. It’s the ultimate hypnotic thing of like, he must be good.

Matt (01:43:11):

But later the mom is like-

Laci (01:43:14):

It gets easier doing everything the guy says. And I’m not going to tell you you shouldn’t because he’s got a lot of money. So if you could just go ahead and marry up, that would be great. That’s what she does. I mean, she doesn’t say. She says nothing. She said, “It gets easier. You’ll learn. You’ll get to know yourself.”

Matt (01:43:30):

No, that’s what she says. And it’s like she’s talking about not a billionaire, just a normal boyfriend. Like, yeah, relationships are tough kid. I

Laci (01:43:37):

Got you. But she’s not saying get out of this relationship. He’s got red flags all over the fucking place. Holy shit, he showed up here. She’s smittened. And I’m telling you if he wasn’t a fucking billionaire who knows how to order a Bombay or whatever the fuck, then she wouldn’t be smittened.

Matt (01:43:52):

Yeah, smittened.

Laci (01:43:55):

Because a lot of parents want to be able to provide for their kids and when they fight out, they don’t have to. Woo. It’s like getting a return back from the government.

Matt (01:44:07):

Yeah. She gets her diploma from him on stage and he’s like, “Have you accepted my contract?” And he’s like, “Yeah, okay, I guess.” And he’s like, “Capital.” And you can hear her squirt. And then he introduces her to the dad. He’s very nonplussed. Then he buys her a car and she buys her car. She’s like, “This is too much. He bought me a car.”

Laci (01:44:24):

I would be pissed that he sold the other one because you have no idea if it has sentimental value or if that’s just a car she really fucking liked.

Matt (01:44:31):

And man, as soon as you break up with him, he’s taking this car back, he’s taking the MacBook back. He’s blacklisting you. You’re never going to get employed again. It’s not

Laci (01:44:38):

What happens.

Matt (01:44:39):

That’s what would actually happen. He’d fucking sue the shit out of her. She rolls her eyes at him. You bought me a car eye roll. He’s like, “You eyerolled me. I’m going to spank you.

Laci (01:44:49):

” I

Matt (01:44:49):

Was

Laci (01:44:49):

An eye roll. Jesus.

Matt (01:44:50):

So Laci, it’s like she graduated, but she also graduated into the spanking.

Laci (01:44:55):

And famously the movie Mrs. Robinson is in is The Graduate.

Matt (01:44:59):

The Graduation. No. No, the graduate. The

Laci (01:45:02):

Graduate.

Matt (01:45:02):

That’s what it’s called. Yeah.

Laci (01:45:05):

Stepped all over that one, didn’t you?

Matt (01:45:09):

He leaves after spanking her and then her mom calls. He’s like, “Hey, I’m Jennifer Ely. I’m in this movie.” So

Laci (01:45:14):

I am so confused when she’s crying after this because she seemed turned on.

Matt (01:45:19):

Because mom, he makes me happy most of the time with the assumption. Didn’t spank

Laci (01:45:24):

Me.

Matt (01:45:25):

No, no, no. No, no.

Laci (01:45:26):

He

Matt (01:45:27):

Spanked

Laci (01:45:28):

Me.

Matt (01:45:29):

He’s mercurial and unpredictable with his mood. And I just want a conventional relationship.

Laci (01:45:38):

I only rolled my eyes one time.

Matt (01:45:40):

And she’s like, “Oh, honey, come fly over to Georgia anytime you want. We’ll have to respond.” So tomorrow? Yeah.

Laci (01:45:46):

Right. Tomorrow then.

Matt (01:45:48):

But goes over to her place. They do some fucking in the … They haven’t signed the contract. The whole

Laci (01:45:54):

Thing. The

Matt (01:45:55):

Whole tension of the movie is, will she sign the contract?

Laci (01:45:57):

And it took like 20 times him asking about it for me to be like, “Oh, this is going to be till the end of the movie.” Because is it binding? Once you sign that contract, are you telling me there’s no lake way to get out of it? That’s impossible because all those other women signed it too. So what’s the big fucking deal?

Matt (01:46:13):

Plus, and it’s a contract that I can leave it and he’s on it. That’s

Laci (01:46:15):

What I’m saying.

Matt (01:46:16):

So it’s not a contract. So there’s not

Laci (01:46:17):

Tension.

Matt (01:46:18):

Yeah, it’s nothing. Over at his place and he’s like, “I want to take you into the playroom, but I haven’t signed the contract. I’m going to do some extreme sex on you. ” He paddles her and it was pretty sexy. And just that the Danny Elfman score is going fucking nuts. It’s actually, it’s a demented cover of Crazy and Love.

Laci (01:46:36):

Which

Matt (01:46:36):

Is good.

Laci (01:46:38):

Okay. Stop.

Matt (01:46:42):

So then this sequence ends and the movie still has 45 more minutes and it’s 45 minutes of, Christian, you need to let me in. And he’s like, “I can’t.”

Laci (01:46:51):

Okay.

Matt (01:46:54):

Come have dinner with my family.

Laci (01:46:56):

Yeah. It’s just like normal thing. Weird thing. Oh God, look, even the hair is like Alice’s hair on the sister.

Matt (01:47:01):

And

Laci (01:47:01):

She’s

Matt (01:47:01):

Quirky. Yes.

Laci (01:47:02):

She’s quirky. And

Matt (01:47:04):

The

Laci (01:47:04):

Family’s

Matt (01:47:06):

So inviting. Yeah, you got to talk to the … Oh, this family fucking loves Anna. They’re so happy to see her. Welcome to the Mormon family. We love you. And where are you from, dear? I’m from Georgia. That’s where I’m going tomorrow.

Laci (01:47:20):

Oh, you see that, Christian? Some people visit their parents. He’s

Matt (01:47:23):

Like, “What did you just fucking say? You’re going to Georgia, you bitch.”

Laci (01:47:26):

Well, Annie’s trying to ruin this nice little moment the whole time by trying to stick his fingers up her pussy the whole fucking … Your mom’s right there. Why is this your thing?

Matt (01:47:35):

Because the mom groomed him.That’s what I thought was happening, but it’s not.

Laci (01:47:39):

No, it’s like he can’t just let this be normal and sentimental and about what it normally would be about. He’s like, “No, even this is foreplay.”

Matt (01:47:48):

So he’s like, “I have to take Anna. I promised her I would take her on a tour of the grounds.” So they go out onto the grounds and he’s like, “Anna, I’m palm twistingly mad at you. ” And she’s like, “Why? You’re so confusing.” And why do you have to be this way to me, Christian? He’s like, “Just sign the contract.” I

Laci (01:48:06):

Would be able to legally murder you right now if you would just sign the contract.

Matt (01:48:09):

Why do you want to murder me? “Because I’m a monster. Don’t look at me. “And then he says,” Anna, it’s you who’s changing me. “Oh

Laci (01:48:18):

God, I didn’t even think of this. His shiny burn marks are on his chest. There’s shimmers. He sparkles. I’m just saying, he sparkles like Edward. The proof is on his chest so he keeps having to show it off. My burn marks, which after you get burned skin, it just becomes shiny skin.

Matt (01:48:34):

Yeah. And certainly like this movie, all of its ideas are retrograde. If you get abused, people who are into kinky sex is because they were abused as children. Two things happen to you if you get abused. You turn into a kinky guy and it makes you a superpowered businessman. You focus that energy. Focus your abuse interview.

Laci (01:48:50):

But to be clear, you’re saying that that’s a stupid dated thing to be. Right now you sound like you’re in agreement.

Matt (01:48:57):

Insane. It’s stupid. It’s you who’s changing me. I don’t want to be anoremi, but you’re making me anoremy. Oh no. And then he finally opens up to her, but she’s asleep.

Laci (01:49:07):

He knows she’s asleep though. What is the point of this? Because we need to know. We need to know, Anna. Us, we need to know that there’s something here. We have to care a little bit whenever they end up not together at the end. And this is for us.

Matt (01:49:21):

The woman to give birth to me was a crack addict and a prostitute.

Laci (01:49:24):

I’m John Ham in Mad Men.

Matt (01:49:26):

I know. I stole the identity of another man in the Korean War. I remember certain things, terrible things. Dakota Johnson snorts and wet. What did you say, babe? All right, she goes to visit her mother, Jennifer Ely in Georgia for all two scenes of Jennifer Ealy. And Dakota Johnson gets to see her mom with her fourth husband, but they’re laughing and having a good time. And she’s like, ” Then I was with a boyfriend who’s nice and gay.

Laci (01:50:02):

“And then that’s when she finds out he went on a dinner date with his grandma. Yeah,

Matt (01:50:06):

Because she texts him,” Why are you doing it? What’s going on?

Laci (01:50:09):

“I

Matt (01:50:09):

Miss

Laci (01:50:09):

You. I wish you were hair. And he says,” I miss you too.

Matt (01:50:12):

“I’m having an old friend for dinner, like Hannibal Lecter.

Laci (01:50:14):

He’s

Matt (01:50:15):

Like, ” Is it Mrs. Robinson? “He’s like, ” That’s classified.

Laci (01:50:19):

“That is literally his only friend.

Matt (01:50:20):

And then she’s having cosmos or whatever with her mom the next day and then Christian shows up. He’s like, ” I’m here. You’re drinking too much Anna. Stop it. “And her mom’s like, ” Yeah, this is totally okay and normal. I’ll leave you kids to it. “And then he says the most psychotic thing that he says in the whole movie,” What are you doing for breakfast tomorrow?

Laci (01:50:38):

“Well, okay, I got you. But I think that’s meant to be like, you’re here spending the day with your parents and your mom. Finish that. Have your day. Can I see you in the morning? How dare you? I think that makes sense.

Matt (01:50:53):

So we got another fucking sequence for breakfast tomorrow. Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to go gliding.

Laci (01:50:59):

Come fucking fly. I have a suspicion you’re going to be hungover tomorrow. So you know what I’m going to do? We’re going to go G-force, motherfucker. We’re doing barrel rolls. You’re going to hurl and we should never drink ever.

Matt (01:51:11):

So it’s just another fucking sequence of a 2015 pop song is playing while they do some romantic rich people. She’s just like … And then afterwards she’s like, ” That was so romantic. “But he’s like, ” I don’t do Romans. All. “And he’s like, ” No, I have to go back to work. Shut up.

Laci (01:51:27):

“You’re such a cut. I put on Cocoa Melon just go in there.

Matt (01:51:33):

And again, they’re apart from each other for about 15 seconds of screen time so now she enters his apartment. Well,

Laci (01:51:40):

And she’s so aware of how he is to be around and we are supposed to be too that she asked the driver, how is he today? The seventh day I’ve known him. He’s a little preoccupied.

Matt (01:51:54):

She gets to his apartment and he’s like on the phone. He’s like, ” Buy, buy, sell, sell, opportunity, business codex. Merge the acquisition. Go. “Then he slams his phone down and she’s like, ” Are you okay, babe? “And he’s like, ” Get into the room in 15 minutes. I’m going to fuck the shit.

Laci (01:52:12):

“Well, even worse though, he’s like, ” It’s nothing that concerns you. You’re a stupid twat. Get in the playroom, baby.

Matt (01:52:18):

“Get in there in 15 minutes. And what he does is tackles her.

Laci (01:52:23):

Okay. Okay, man.

Matt (01:52:24):

With feathers, tickle, tickle, tickle. And then, so they do the tickling and then she gets fucked to tickle fuck to sleep and then wakes up again. Fuck,

Laci (01:52:34):

Fuck, tickle, fuck.

Matt (01:52:35):

He’s out in the piano playing hot cross buns and she’s like, ” Hey babe, what’s going on? “He’s like, ” Stop talking to me.

Laci (01:52:41):

“That’s the saddest rendition of hot cross buns I’ve ever heard.

Matt (01:52:45):

Did you learn to play piano to please your adopted family? And he’s like, ” Stop asking me things about me. Why is it about the contract? “He’s like, ” The contract’s redundant. Then this whole movie’s about the fucking contract. “Right, right. No, don’t you see that I’m a monster/falling in love with you? Why won’t you let me in? Because if I did, you’d never look at me the same again. I’m

Laci (01:53:10):

50 shades of motherfucking crazy.

Matt (01:53:14):

I’m 50 shades of fucked up.

Laci (01:53:17):

He said the name? Sort of.

Matt (01:53:21):

Christian, why don’t you leave me? He’s like, ” No, I need a monster. “Okay, she’s like, ” Fine. If you’re not going to let me in, then punish me. Punish me okay.

Laci (01:53:32):

“Well, I kind of respect this because she’s scared of the unknown. She knows what she’s getting right now. She hasn’t signed the contract. What the fuck’s going to happen to her after? Let me see. You keep saying you’re a monster. I keep seeing these fucking rhino horns that say butt on them. So can you just tell me what is the worst possible thing you would do to me? Isn’t he paddles her six times, makes her count? You know I don’t know my numbers.

Matt (01:53:58):

That’s why it’s so bad. I mean, it’s a flogging. It’s not a paddling. It’s more intense than a paddle. But yeah, he flogs her six times. I mean,

Laci (01:54:06):

You wouldn’t want your partner to do that to you if you don’t into that.

Matt (01:54:11):

But she’s like, ” You’ll never do that to me.

Speaker 3 (01:54:15):

“You told me to do it.

Matt (01:54:16):

Don’t touch Ray. And then she’s crying in bed. You’ll never … Christian, I’m not what you want. And he’s like, ” No, you’re everything I want, babe. “She’s like, ” I’ve fallen in love with you. “And he’s like, ” But you can’t love me. I’m an abomination.

Laci (01:54:30):

“But you just said I have everything you want.

Matt (01:54:33):

It’s raining outside. The sky is crying for them. The next morning she leaves her MacBook and she’s like, ” I want my car back. “And he’s like, ” Well, I sold it.

Laci (01:54:42):

“Oh, send your truck.

Matt (01:54:43):

“Then I want the money.” And he’s like check. And then she leaves and he’s like, “Wait, no, don’t go. ” But now she’s taking control and she yells at him like a dog. Stop. And he stops. Oh. And

Laci (01:54:54):

They do. They flip the scene that they do in the very beginning as the door closes.

Matt (01:55:00):

And that would be an effective way to end the movie. And instead it goes on for five more minutes of the- No,

Laci (01:55:04):

It doesn’t. It ends.

Matt (01:55:04):

It goes on for five … Maybe this is the unrated version. Goes on for five more minutes of them being sad by themselves.

Laci (01:55:11):

Oh no. And from nine, the

Matt (01:55:12):

Credits rolled after that. At the elevator? Yeah. Okay, that makes sense because it felt so strange and it’s just the last shot of the movie is him in a boardroom abruptly getting up.

Laci (01:55:22):

I can’t even do this anymore.

Matt (01:55:23):

Yeah. And that’s the end of the movie.

Laci (01:55:25):

Okay.

Matt (01:55:25):

Okay. Now every week on sex month we’re going to answer some sex advice questions. So the first question we have here

Speaker 3 (01:55:41):

Is,

Matt (01:55:41):

This was written into men’s health sexplainer. Question reads, “After a year of dating, my girlfriend just revealed that she has a massive pee king. She loves being peed on, drinking pee and even someone peeing inside her vagina. I’m feeling a couple of things. First, I’m surprised and shocked that I’m only now hearing about this. A year into dating. And it makes me question if she’s even enjoyed the vanilla sex we’ve been having. I really thought she was before this. Second, I have literally no desire to do any piss play. The idea of it does not turn me on. And sure, I guess I’d rather pee on her than be peed on, but I’d prefer nothing involving pee. I’m feeling torn because it seems like she really wants this and it’s important to her. I don’t know what to do. Sincerely, piss averse boyfriend.

Laci (01:56:24):

Is this real?

Matt (01:56:26):

This was written into men’s health. I mean, probably not. None of these questions are real. What do you got, Laci? What do you got for Pisaverse boyfriend?

Laci (01:56:35):

Mimi sounds like a little bitch. I mean, I think it took her a year to tell you because you didn’t seem like you’d be into it. So she finally trusts you enough to admit this and you run to a fucking magazine. You don’t deserve her. Rise to the challenge. Kinks are meant to swap. You don’t have to be totally into them, but then you give her something that you want her to do to you. That’s how this fucking works. I mean, you don’t have to pee in her vagina because that doesn’t sound safe, but you can do something. You can try it. But if you’re even thinking this is a deal breaker, then break the deal.

Matt (01:57:12):

We’re wasting

Laci (01:57:12):

Her dime.

Matt (01:57:13):

That’s exactly it. Unless, well, wait, I mean, he does say, yeah, I’d rather pee on her than be peed on. Maybe that’s- So he’s

Laci (01:57:20):

Thinking about it.

Matt (01:57:21):

So we’re talking.

Laci (01:57:22):

But also maybe he thinks that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me the worst it could be. Are you going to pee in my ears?

Matt (01:57:30):

Listen, what’s the worst that’s going to happen? You’re going to get peed on. Or she

Laci (01:57:34):

Has a shit thing. And I understand drawing the line. I can do it peeing out of shit.

Matt (01:57:38):

You can do a peeing out of shit.

Laci (01:57:40):

I can get peed on.

Matt (01:57:41):

Okay. I mean, yeah. I guess if this really is a … It seems like you actually want to do it. So just give it a try. It doesn’t sound

Laci (01:57:48):

Like he wants to do it. It sounds like he wants permission to break up. He calls their sex vanilla and it’s so … What is the word I’m looking for? It’s so about him that it wouldn’t even occur to him that all the sex they’ve had in the last year hasn’t actually been satisfying. I fucking hate when guys get hung up on that, when they think like, “Oh really? Oh, Jimmy had a huge dick. I’ll bet that was the only good…” They won’t just take the words out of you. Listen to what you’re saying and saying, “Do you know those five times I had an orgasm a month ago?” Those were orgasms. Those were me having a good time. He’s labeling it as vanilla just because there’s no lemonade on top and he’s … She probably never even enjoyed it. Calm the fuck down. You can have good sex without adding the kink in.

Matt (01:58:37):

Yeah.

Laci (01:58:38):

What

Matt (01:58:38):

Are you talking about? He has enough sexual compatibility to even bring it up at all. He

Laci (01:58:42):

Sounds like a baby.

Matt (01:58:43):

Sounds like a baby.

Laci (01:58:44):

Get the fuck out of here, baby.

Matt (01:58:45):

Introduce him to Dakota Johnson. They

Laci (01:58:47):

Need

Matt (01:58:47):

A playgate. They’ll see you guys together. Yeah, I kind of felt exactly like Laci felt. I was glad that she said it instead of me of just nut up and let her pee on you or whatever it is you want.

Laci (01:58:58):

Or nut up and go away. He sounds toxic.

Matt (01:59:00):

There you go. The

Laci (01:59:01):

P, you’d think that’s a toxic thing. It’s not.

Matt (01:59:23):

Final thoughts on 50 shades of gray.

Laci (01:59:26):

I think this probably wraps it all up for me is by saying I’m going to begrudgingly watch the next one. I have to. I need to see what happens with those crazy kids. My letter box review is a three star rating, though I wanted to give it 2.5, but I think if I’m daring to watch the sequel, I think it’s dishonest me to give it a 2.5. I think it’s a three.

Matt (01:59:50):

Do you think it’s just because it’s scratching a twilight itch?

Laci (01:59:53):

Yes. But that’s not an easy thing to get me scratching it.

Matt (01:59:57):

Yeah, I guess. I really dislike. I think This kind of sucks. I think that the sex scenes are good and they’re competently done and they’re sexy and otherwise I think this is a massive waste. The interesting things about it are the meta things. They’re the things that exist outside of the movie. It’s a movie that is a cover song of another movie or a book that’s a cover song of another book. It’s interesting to think about if you can insert him being Jeffrey Epstein into it, then it can get more interesting. But that’s all stuff I’m bringing myself. Do

Laci (02:00:26):

You feel like you’ve inserted Jeffrey Epstein into most things lately?

Matt (02:00:30):

Because we’ve been watching movies about billionaires who stuff happens too. Two stars, I say, two stars. Disliked this even though there was a lot to like about it, but I was so frustrated by so much of it. Two stars. Laci and I have not decided what we’re covering next week. What are we covering

Laci (02:00:51):

Next week? I don’t know. You said it was going to be sex.

Matt (02:00:54):

Should just be American Pie.

Laci (02:00:56):

I guess that’s the quintessential starter sex movie.

Matt (02:01:00):

Okay. So coming up on the program next week as sex month rolls on with American Pie, a movie about actual teenagers having sex. Well, I mean, people played by teenagers in their 20s, but you know what I’m saying.

Laci (02:01:13):

I mean, Cant Hardly Wait is actually about fucking.

Matt (02:01:16):

Well, let’s do that then.

Laci (02:01:17):

Yeah. I feel like everyone knows American Pie. Let’s do Can’ Hardly

Matt (02:01:20):

Way. I’ve never seen Can’t Hardly Wait.

Laci (02:01:21):

I love Can’t Hardly Wait.

Matt (02:01:22):

All right. We will scratch that. Coming up next week on the program, Sex Month continues with Can’t Hardly Wait. I can’t hardly wait to talk

Laci (02:01:30):

About. Seth Greentime, baby.

Matt (02:01:32):

Everybody check out all of our many endeavors like Laci’s coloring videos like our YouTube channel, our TikTok and Twitter and Blue Sky and Instagram and Facebook.

Laci (02:01:42):

And other podcasts.

Matt (02:01:44):

Links in the description and my music is a thing that you can listen to. Look in the description for that.

Laci (02:01:50):

Correct.

Matt (02:01:50):

Yes. Goodbye.

Laci (02:01:51):

Alright. Thank you. I love you. Goodbye. Christian.